The Correct Route

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Is there a correct route? In life there are many ways to get from point A to point B. We've all known people who take the scenic route a.k.a. the long way 'round to get launched. Many of us were such kids and now we have kids of our own who insist on doing things their way, not paying much heed to our sage advice. Though finding our own way is truly a big part of life's journey. But how do we let go and let them carve their own path?
Much of it comes from trust, trusting the values you demonstrated will be sufficient.
Our kids absorbed our core values by watching us live them daily, just as we did with our families, good or bad. Now our children have to make their own way, their own mistakes and successes. Admittedly, it is hard to watch them take a step in what we feel is the wrong direction. Then again, what is the right direction? Understanding that there are many roads to travel, and though the path we took may be right for us, it may not be right for them. Beyond trusting ourselves to have parented well enough along the way, being there to listen, encourage, and yes lend a hand financially when we can, will bring some peace of mind.
Now, as an empty nest couple, preparing for the potential potholes will make the transition much smoother. You may find it helpful to explore your own past before launching into a discussion with your mate. Often, we need to understand our own feelings; what detours did you take that made you stronger, did you resent your parents/family/friends for their advice, are you guiding your kids based on old theory or real knowledge?
Once you've sorted through your personal feelings, discuss this together, giving each other uninterrupted time to speak. If you find part of the discussion anxiety-provoking, taking a walk while talking allows excess energy to be burnt in a positive way. Keep in mind this is new territory for both of you, unexpected fears and anxieties will surface, be as honest and open as you can. There isn't a right, wrong, or exact path that must be followed on this empty nest journey, the less strident you are, the easier it will be to navigate.
Make this a fun time, create new rituals, explore new places, take time to pamper each other. Enjoy your empty nest and all the freedoms it allows you.

Sawing logs: Snoring, your love life, and some options to sleeping alone.

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Here’s a conversation my spouse and I have had several times in the past year or so:
“How did you sleep, dear?”
“Ah, um, well...”
“Damn--Did I do it again?”
“Uh, you know, it’s no big deal.”
“How many times did you try to wake me?”
“Two, maybe three. It’s no big deal, really.”
It is a big deal, though, when your mate has to nudge you ‘two or three’ times during the night, which likely means eight or ten times, when you were sawing logs and keeping them awake. Snoring has become the nighttime national epidemic, robbing our spouses of sleep, stealing quality sleep from us, and signaling at least potentially serious health problems such as sleep apnea. Plus, snoring can interfere with our marital bliss in the one place we most associate with that emotion, our bedrooms. Here are a few alternatives to this raucous, maddening development, and nocturnal marriage threat.

For those of us, myself included, who prefer to awaken with our mate beside us, hopefully well rested, here are a few things to try:

1 An oral appliance which is fit to you, and which must be checked periodically by a dentist. This hardware, like a mouthpiece you might have used in high school football, extends the tongue and soft palate to, hopefully, eliminate snoring.

2 Medical procedures such as a UPPP, Somnoplasty, CPAP.

3 A simple yet effective treatment, and one to try first, may be the old fashioned method of losing weight.
Cut down or eliminate alcohol consumption, especially within four hours of bedtime. The same goes for sedatives, oddly enough. Easy on the sleeping pills; they may be having the opposite effect.
Pillows: if you tend to roll onto your back, prop one on either side, so you stay lying on your side.
Have an allergy, cold, nasal interruption for any reason? That can easily make you snore, even if you never did. Address the symptoms, and get some sleep.

Snoring needn’t come between you and a good night’s sleep. It needn’t become an issue between you and your mate, either. Simply ignoring the snoring monster is a no brainer: don’t do it. Often, just actively seeking a cure for snoring is enough to elicit your mate’s gratitude and help. And if the snoring persists, or gets worse, it might be time to seek medical advice. It could be obstructive sleep apnea, a potentially serious health risk.
If your morning conversation is filled with dread about your nocturnal lumbering activity, your raucous imitation of a sawmill at full tilt, and you repeatedly awake to find your mate gone, off to another, more peaceful part of the house, try the tips above, and sweet dreams.

What We Leave Behind

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There's an old, apocryphal story of a couple who'd been together over fifty years. They were a model couple, loving, warm, compassionate, a truly 'Caffected' pair. The old man developed a fatal illness, and was dead within a few months. His widow was grief stricken, of course that her best friend was gone--for now--but she relished the many years they'd been together. At the funeral home, people came and went, consoling the old woman, viewing the old man in his casket. They all left the viewing scratching their heads, all with the same question: Why was he holding a fork in his left hand?
weeks later, the old widow was asked that question by a group of friends at church. "Why was your husband holding a fork in his hand in his casket?"
"Because," the old woman said with a smile. "My dear husband loved dessert. I always told him during dinner, 'keep your fork, the best is yet to come'."
So...what will you want to be holding in your hand when they lower you into the ground?

Courage

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"Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."
Amelia Earhart

Memorial Day

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This memorial day weekend, let's all take a few minutes and think about what the day means to us here in America, and indeed what it means to be an American. Memorial Day was set aside originally to honor fallen troops of the American Civil War. Prior to that, wars had been fought for land, for women, for money, for the simple projection of power. Our Civil War was the first war in history fought for an idea. That idea, our 'National Creed', that, 'all men are created equal', is such a simple, powerful message that its implication has generated numerous additional, albeit less bloody and destructive civil wars continuing to the present day.
So here's what it means to us to be an American: it means recognizing that the single most powerful word in our National Creed is this--ALL. Until everyone is able to embrace that word, to understand that ALL means what it says, our civil wars will go on toward that more perfect union we aspire to be. So let's also memorialize those--Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, Harvey Milk, Margaret Sanger, and all others who devoted their lives to that single, powerful word--ALL. And enjoy your holiday.

Congratulations Maine!

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Another day to celebrate Caffection Married to My Best Friend!

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood in New England today. We commend Gov Baldacci and the Maine senate for their stand on civil rights . With the New Hampshire Marriage Equality Bill on Governor John Lynch's desk, please send an email to let him know why equality is important to you. Exciting change is sweeping our nation, Jim and Brenda Johnson report the latest happenings in DC and we see Rhode Island continuing to march forward. It is a beautiful day in the neighborhood indeed, and love will prevail.

Peace, ALL Will Be Well

acceptance
hope
inclusion
joy
kindness
love

M
A
R
R
I
A
G
E


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What's in a word? The word peace means different things to different people. It's spoken in every language; Paix, Peace, Fred, Maluhia, Heiwa, Frieden, Paz, Shalom. Its description may vary from one land to the next, certainly those of us living in the US have an entirely different perception of peace than those living in the Middle East. For us, living peacefully is a must, you've read the expression ACK (always choose kind) frequently in our work. Many people we know relate to the peace/love teachings of leaders such as MLK (1929-1968), Gandhi (1869-1948), Christ (0-36), Buddha (563bc-483bc). They want what we want, to be accepted and included. It's a very simple concept. To Love and be Loved. Fully and Unconditionally. In a relationship recoginzed easily by the one word which defines it: MARRIAGE.

Married to Your Best Friend, Show Your Appreciation

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As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest
appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. JFK

Though these words from JFK ring true for everyone, stylistic differences, brought out by living together day in & day out, can cause tensions. It's amazing how a few words of appreciation create a more peaceful union. If you find yourself irritated about the way your mate folds the laundry or the way the TP roll is hung, try this; write them a note of thanks for doing it. This will help you remember someone else is doing the task (even if it's folded differently, it's done!) and it serves as a reminder that you get to choose your attitude. Isn't it cool to have a positive relationship? Everyone should have a love like yours.

and the wisdom to know the difference

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Marriage.

What’s the big deal, it’s just a word.

One simple word.

It’s a word that’s packed full of emotion. A word that means different things to different people. A word that brings many responsibilities AND many benefits to those who choose to marry. Does it really need to be an issue? Recently we had a family member tell us they didn’t approve of our lifestyle. It’s true, we’re middle-class Americans who regularly attend church, enthusiastically promote Caffected marriages and believe everyone should have what we have. The message we heard was: We’ve got work to do! Our country is going through a wonderful transformation at this time, what an opportunity we have. We must unite in a grass-roots effort to provide our families, friends, neighbors and coworkers information they need to make decisions regarding marriage equality. This message of Caffection is one of love, one of peace, one of inclusion, one of hope that soon ALL couples will have the rights & benefits marriage in our country offers. Everyone should have a love like this, everyone should be allowed to marry their best friend, if they so choose.

Affirming Caffection

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Peace within our souls comes with discerning hearts. There are times in every life journey which require refocusing and announcing our values. We salute Jerry Sanders, the Mayor of San Diego.

Journal across the sheets

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One ritual we have that gives us a way to cement our relationship and aid our communication is a simple journal. We call it 'journaling across the sheets' and it can be downloaded from this link on the website. As the name implies, we keep a notebook on the nightstand, and take turns every night writing to each other. We're not obsessive about it; if we skip a day or two, no big deal. But we find it enjoyable, and a great way to share things that happen during the day, issues we need to work out for ourselves through writing them down first, and a terrific way to go back much later and see what was happening when certain decisions were made, or detours taken. In our eight years together we've likely filled over three thousand pages. It's not War and Peace. More like Run Spot Run, but it works for us.

Yum!

CAFFECTION.COM

This is how we felt when we had

our first taste of

"Imagine Whirled Peace"

(see June 6 blog)

If you enjoy ice cream, give it a whirl!

Reality Check

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"Reality leaves a lot to the imagination" John Lennon.

Life is all perspective. We each have our own view of reality and, as Lennon notes, it can be formed in our imagination. Imagine how exciting living a Caffected life together can be when you share a common mission & vision. Yoko still brings John & her mission of peace by sponsoring the new Ben & Jerry's "Imagine Whirled Peace" ice cream. The new flavor is a caramel and sweet cream whirl of chocolate-covered peace signs and toffee pieces.

Sweeeeet...I imagine we'll have to give it a whirl.