The Correct Route

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Is there a correct route? In life there are many ways to get from point A to point B. We've all known people who take the scenic route a.k.a. the long way 'round to get launched. Many of us were such kids and now we have kids of our own who insist on doing things their way, not paying much heed to our sage advice. Though finding our own way is truly a big part of life's journey. But how do we let go and let them carve their own path?
Much of it comes from trust, trusting the values you demonstrated will be sufficient.
Our kids absorbed our core values by watching us live them daily, just as we did with our families, good or bad. Now our children have to make their own way, their own mistakes and successes. Admittedly, it is hard to watch them take a step in what we feel is the wrong direction. Then again, what is the right direction? Understanding that there are many roads to travel, and though the path we took may be right for us, it may not be right for them. Beyond trusting ourselves to have parented well enough along the way, being there to listen, encourage, and yes lend a hand financially when we can, will bring some peace of mind.
Now, as an empty nest couple, preparing for the potential potholes will make the transition much smoother. You may find it helpful to explore your own past before launching into a discussion with your mate. Often, we need to understand our own feelings; what detours did you take that made you stronger, did you resent your parents/family/friends for their advice, are you guiding your kids based on old theory or real knowledge?
Once you've sorted through your personal feelings, discuss this together, giving each other uninterrupted time to speak. If you find part of the discussion anxiety-provoking, taking a walk while talking allows excess energy to be burnt in a positive way. Keep in mind this is new territory for both of you, unexpected fears and anxieties will surface, be as honest and open as you can. There isn't a right, wrong, or exact path that must be followed on this empty nest journey, the less strident you are, the easier it will be to navigate.
Make this a fun time, create new rituals, explore new places, take time to pamper each other. Enjoy your empty nest and all the freedoms it allows you.

Self-Denial & Marriage

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Once in a while the opportunity arises to think of our spouse instead of ourselves. These fleeting chances don’t come along very often, but when they do, and if we grab them, the warm and fuzzy feeling it infuses in our marriage makes it worth whatever the cost. Here are a few examples of events and opportunities we can look for to deny our own needs and wants inside our relationship, and to enhance the quality of our marriage with very little effort.

We’ve heard for years that role reversal can be a distressing thing, that when we step outside our assigned spot we invite all manner of disruption and discord. But what if we made the reversal something of a routine, thereby lessening its impact? Say we take turns cooking, or making grocery rounds, or even getting the car, lawn mower, furnace and/or air conditioner serviced. None of those items require a specific gender marker, and our mate will be astonished if we step outside ourselves, get over whatever squeamishness we may have about any of the tasks listed above and, as the ad says, “Just do it!” The look on their face will be priceless.

Ask them what they wish we’d stop doing. This one’s tough; we have to be able to listen--we did ask, after all--and what they tell us may not be easy to hear. But they’ll appreciate the gesture, and my guess is, that every couple has things they’d like to discuss with each other about minor irritants (or not so minor). My other guess is that we already know the answer, and we’re just getting them to confirm what we suspect. In any case, the conversation is always helpful, just for the communication if nothing else. Plus, then you get to tell them something!

Don’t be afraid to solicit advice and ideas from close friends. Since we started our marriage website, my wife and I have been amazed at the number of couples who seem almost embarrassed to celebrate their marriage. This self-consciousness about being together is pervasive, and, we believe, corrosive to relationships. Asking others what works for them in terms of rituals, time together, bonding and communicating may elicit stares and stammering from other couples, but it may produce some gems, too. We’ve been pleasantly surprised at our seminars at the great ideas couples have for sharing their love and commitment to each other. The other gratifying thing we’ve learned is that couples with similar values, views, and energy levels attract each other. And it works both ways: negative, acerbic couples seem to enjoy sharing their harsh view of the world; positive, upbeat couples hang with those who share their optimistic, positive view.

Some years ago Carly Simon sang about ‘Anticipation’. The song was atop the charts for several weeks, and is still heard from time to time. It’s likely that no single effort endears people to each other more in relationships than the simple act of anticipating the others’ needs. Many times I’ve been able to enjoy the look on my wife’s face when, as she enters our home after work, the exact meal she hoped would be on the table actually is there waiting for her. It’s moments like these that make a marriage endure. And it’s all about anticipation. In addition, the effort seems to be not only contagious, it also appears to be self-perpetuating. Call it marital telepathy: the more we anticipate our partner’s needs and wants, the easier it is to do the same next time. After awhile it seems to come naturally, like reading each other’s minds. It can get downright eerie after a string of such occurrences. Any number of times my wife and I have experienced a similar urge to call each other with specific information, prepared a favorite meal we knew they’d want, or made arrangements to see or do something to please them--well before they asked for it. This could be a rather subjective method of determining the potential for longevity in a marriage: after a year, see how well the pair reads the others’ thoughts, and judge from that. Instead of the newlywed game, call it perhaps the first anniversary game instead, at which time the exercise can be performed, and a score tallied.

Finally, not so much self-denial as distraction-denial--kids, television, computers, Wii, hobbies, yard work, tasks of all sorts that can wait--these are the things that need to be secondary to a relationship. These are the things that our mate, our best friend, may want us to put aside, but be hesitant to ask for. Willingness to put them first is always a win-win. Here’s the deal: if we’d put those things aside for our best friend--then we should do it that much sooner for our mate.

Choose Your Life

CAFFECTION.com

We have a calling to train couples to celebrate their solid relationships with affirmations and rituals. It's very exciting to know you can choose your attitude and your life! How wonderful to be in a forever relationship with the one you love the most.
An important part of a caffected relationship is making time for each other, not just the leftover pieces of your day. 'Quality time' is a cliche, but there's a particle of truth to it. Love requires positive energy management to not only sustain itself, but to grow and prosper.
Creating rituals helps you focus your time and energy on your mate, your best friend! Making time for your best friend lets them know just how important they are to you.
Imagine being able to be with the one special person who knows your secrets, knows your foibles, fears, aspirations. The one you'd want sharing your space, your kitchen, your car, your bed, your living and dining room, your romantic interludes, your life? If you're nodding your head right now, you are caffected. We applaud your commitment!
Be sure to use this recipe to keep your love fresh & vibrant: Combine fun, nurturing, patience, understanding, appreciation, support, respect. Knead well. Rich rewards are in store. Enjoy.

Spice Up Your Life

CAFFECTION.COM

Imagination and creativity bring energy to a relationship. Here's a couple who started their marriage off, with an un-traditional wedding dance. Finding fun ways to spice up your relationship will add value to your lives. Whether it's with a sexy massage, flowers, or a bottle of your lover's favorite wine, surprising each other is a sure way to keep your love alive.

Passion

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Passion is a funny thing: since starting Caffection, and interacting with people around it, we've been asked a number of times why we're doing it, and what our 'agenda' is. Here's what we tell them. Passion is who we are. It's the only thing we know. It's what defines our relationship, how we view the world. Someone once said that life is a feast and most people are starving to death. We're a bit odd insofar as we're devouring things at a pace that seems to bother a lot of people. When we walk hand in hand, do a PDA, or go through our 'lop' in public, we get a lot of stares. We're used to it. Another way to think about passion is to consider it energy. We put a lot of energy into each other and we also, by the way, put a lot of energy into our seminars for couples. Nothing happens without energy, and we believe there's no shortage.

Got CAFFECTION?

Caffection.com

We have a little facebook experiment going, care to join? Caffection is great fun. We're hearing from many people who say they love being "married" to their best friend. They believe that everyone should have a love like this! We're even crafting a document that states the obvious--being with your best friend and enjoying all the rights and responsibilities attached to that arrangement is a non-issue. That's what we believe, and it's something we're looking forward to. Someday we'll be able to interact with each other and the issue of gay, straight, black, white, Jew, Gentile, Arab, Irish, Outer Mongolian won't even come up because, guess what--it's not relevant! We have a lot more important things to be using our energy for these days than what's going on in other people's bedrooms for Pete's sake. Go to gotcaffection.com, and join into the (hopefully lively) discussion. That's something else we endorse--the refreshing sound of vigorous debate, now that you-know-who is about to leave the world stage, thank God. So dive in, give us your two or eight cents worth, and let's have a blast.

Lions and Tigers and GOOGLE, oh my!

CAFFECTION.com

It's true, we're crazy about Google. No doubt about it, Google is our favorite search engine. Sure it gives you all the information you need in a NY second, but the real attraction to Google is its energy, innovation and business model. "Do no evil" is the company motto, and they really mean it. We intend for Caffection to be the Google of married friendship. Soon people will say, "I Googled you and I see that you have Caffection, congratulations." Caffection/Google, made up words, lots of energy, a force for good things, a powerful idea whose time has come. Join us on this journey, will you?

The Gift of Your Time

CAFFECTION.com

Three months ago we put a "You Are My Best Friend Because.." movie on YouTube. It's short, simple and true. The fact is, what you focus on expands. When we focus on each others' needs, we frequently meet them and more. The more you give, the more you get. You'll find joy in going above and beyond the old stand by mode of doing only what's expected of you. Just seeing your caffected love's face when you do that unexpected deed, makes it worth all the energy you put into it.

Note to Self

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We all scribble notes to ourselves about what to do, what to buy at Whole Foods, anniversaries, birthdays, special remembrances, and dates with our best friend. Then we often forget the note! Have you ever gotten to the front door of the grocery and realized that the list is...home on the counter?
A while back we learned of a way to make our daily chores a bit more efficient using what's called the OHIO principal. Only Handle It Once. When a bill arrives--open it, write a check, remail it. Done. When you go to the store--buy whatever you think you'll need in the largest quantity available, and be done. When a nasty chore awaits you in the morning--do it first. Done. Brian Tracy calls this kind of efficient rendering of our time 'eating the frog'. We waste a lot of time trying to save time; waste a lot of energy saving energy. Note to self--I forget.

Life Challenges

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On the occasional day when many things go awry, it's difficult to stay focused on the positives. Take the time to do a mental state change... a what? A state change. A state change is, as Peak Potentials taught us, an activity you do to create energy when you're feeling sluggish. Some examples; when you're struggling with balancing the checkbook, take a 4 minute break to watch a video from Simple Truths. It's free, it's simple and it's inspiring. How about this one, imagine yourself wearing a kilt or playing the bagpipes (now if that doesn't make you break into a wide grin, picture your mate in one!) If you can't leave work and you're stressed; stand up, take a few deep breaths and think of your favorite childhood 'hide-out'. You're in traffic, you're late, the dog ate your new slippers, remember your pocket affirmation. This week use life's little challenges as opportunities for mental state changes. You'll be amazed how great you'll feel!

The greatest discovery of my generation is that man can alter his life simply by altering his attitude of mind.
William James

Married Strays

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You heard it here first: we're a couple of married strays, that is, straight but highly sympathetic to gays. Here is our mission statement, and in unambiguous terms what we believe: we believe in marriage. we believe that anyone and everyone who wishes to marry the person they love, have the fundamental right to marry. We don't expend our energy defending this position, because the intolerant 'other' side of this issue is indefensible. We believe that when two people love each other enough to want to share their lives, loves, families, dreams, desires and basic human interaction they have the right to marry regardless of gender. Are we strays for promoting such a radical concept? Perhaps. So were all the other pioneers in our history whose vision and clarity came to be understood over time. This issue, too, will be considered quaint. The bottom line is that we're not promoting anything radical, or subversive, or risky, or profane; we're promoting human rights for everyone. If that's radical, we're happy to be strays.

Bonding Relationship = Caffection!

CAFFECTION.com

As we've said before rituals and affirmations bond a relationship like no other. Rituals can be simple: searching the internet together [for fun, interactive couples websites; such as Caffection.com] or cooking together [a couples story -- "She cooks the meal, I do the clean up. We both hang out in the kitchen together the whole time enjoying each others' company!"], or bundling up and taking a walk together. Rituals can be done even when you're apart, our ritual of Journaling Across The Sheets was initially mailed back & forth while working in separate cities. Separate, yet, inseparable. When people think of Mariah, they immediately think of Byron. So we've become MariahByron in their minds. And the two shall be as one.
Caffected couples need to stand together. Announce marriage is alive and well. And it is OPEN to EVERYONE who's willing to do the hard work commitment requires. What is marriage? It's love. It's support. It's energy. It's the union of two. Two people who love and commit to each other, dedicate their lives to one another and are willing to publicly say; "We are married and we're proud of it."

Caffection Marriage Rituals

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Can you list all your love rituals?

Wondering, "What is a love ritual?" Love rituals are things you share as a couple. As simple as a peck on the cheek when you greet each other, to big things such as an annual anniversary trip. The key thing about rituals is focusing your time and energy on your mate, your best friend! Making time for your best friend lets them know just how important they are to you.
As you might have guessed, the higher your number the more caffected you're likely to be.

Imagine Exotic Travels With Your Best Friend

CAFFECTION.COM
Traveling is fun, it's even better when you're with your best friend. We've been to every corner of the nation and many places in-between. Some of our greatest adventures were on the island of Kauai. The picture was taken before we got lost in the jungle (cool story, be sure to have us tell you about it sometime). The Na Pali Coast is a stunning place to hike and kayak. We'd love to show you some of the off-the-beaten track spots on Kauai such as Hamura's as well as the world famous Roy's. Plan to join us in the spring of 2010.

Spring 2010 Caffection Seminar

Want more out of your relationship... more romance, more fun, more energy and enjoyment? Travel with us to the Lush, exotic Hawaiian Garden Island of Kauai!

Exotic Extravaganza Exclusively for Married Best Friends
Learn Marriage Affirming Tools
Meet other Caffected Couples
A Romantic Getaway with Your Best Friend
Enrich Your Caffection With the MTMBF Team

Active Marriage, Great relationship

CAFFECTION.com

Creating fun in your relationship brings up your energy level.  One way is to exercise.  Many couples find a mutually enjoyable activity and do it two or three times a week -- together.

We like to just walk around the neighborhood.  As we saunter along, we try to determine which of the various neighbors are caffected, and which are not.  Sometimes it's easy to tell.  There's a couple a few houses away who walk by our place almost daily.  Even though they're from a culture that isn't known for open displays of affection, these two really like each others' company.  It shows in the way they bump into each other accidentally on purpose, laugh easily, defer to the other crossing the street etc.  Their walk is more than exercise; it's a way to raise the energy level of their connection.  They're clearly caffected, even though we know they wouldn't have a clue what the word meant.  

But they will.  We predict that caffection will very soon be a household word in every neighborhood, as people walk around guessing which of their neighbors have it.  Hopefully all of them will.  

Progress

CAFFECTION.com

Our webmaster (mistress?) has released the Caffection website to us in phantom form so we can tweak, edit, peruse and critique it.  The site is a beautiful piece of cyber-art, and will be a fine resource for a lot of people, we hope.  

A bit of history is in order.  We began this journey more than two years ago, just before leaving Kauai.  We've always felt a strong inclination to share what we have in our marriage, and the island reinforced that belief.  If you've not been to Hawaii, let us assure you that the stories of powerful spiritual echoes, and vibrant feelings of what the locals call 'mana' are a palpable force out there in the middle of the Pacific.  Leaving Kauai was difficult, even for the good reason we did--to see Dad through his terminal months.  After Dad's passing we turned our energies--our mana--to sharing what we have, a marriage of caffection, and looking for ways to help others who have this to celebrate what they have.  And it's finally come together.  The site will be live by mid-September with many resources, ideas, interactive portals, caffection-branded items, gifts, and much more.  We've found our voice, and hopefully we'll be a benefit to many other couples. We're making progress. 

River Run

CAFFECTION.com

We have a ritual we try to remember every morning, like brushing teeth, and turning on the coffee pot.  We focus on what we're passionate about--creating a resource for married best friends--caffection.  We recite it by rote, and brand it into our memory.  Part of that ritual mentions the trust we have that people will be there for us, helping us along, getting us where we need to be.  Native Americans had an expression--"don't push the river, it runs all by itself".  With our morning rite we let the river run, knowing that regardless what the issue is--good or bad--if we relax and allow things to work out, they typically do, and usually far better than they would have with our frantic urging.  

This relaxed acceptance isn't the same as total resignation, far from it.  Without a lot of attention to detail, and action, and energy, not much gets done.  But it's the over-controlling and failure to listen to the little man on our shoulder that drives us down blind alleys sometimes.  The river really does run all by itself.  

Love Making Energy

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Ever heard, or said, "I'm too tired."  Funny thing is, when we focus energy toward our lover, we get it back.  Try giving a massage while sending love through your fingertips.  You'll be amazed at how energized you feel.  For the talented folks out there, play a tune on your violin or piano for your mate and see them smile.  It truly is taking simple pleasures from each other that bonds you together.

Positive Quotes Add Romance

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Marriage, ultimately, is the practice of becoming passionate friends.  Harville Hendrix

Leaving positive quotes in your lover's pocket to find later in the day, or even in another season (if you tuck it in when putting the winter coats away in March... or May if you live in the Midwest!) is a great way to tell your mate just how much you love them.  An easy way to do this is to print a quote, which we'll provide for you on the soon to be launched Caffection: Married To My Best Friend website.  We've come to realize it's just as much fun to give the quotes in a note as it is to receive them.  So start passing out positive quotes with reckless abandon, and feel your positive energy soar.

July Heat

CAFFECTION.com

Mark Twain said everybody complains about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.  So, here's what we're doing about it.  We're making an effort to NOT complain about it.  Our philosophy is that whining just adds to the heat, and not the light, so we don't do it.  Here are a few alternatives to July heat: more heat; rain; drought; too cool; too humid; not warm enough to swim; not cool enough to picnic.  Notice the common denominator?  There's not a blessed thing we can do about any of those.  So why waste the energy?  Instead, let's see what the positive side is: we're alive (that's pretty good); we're healthy; we live in the greatest nation on earth; we have people who love us (that's really good); we eat regularly; we sleep indoors; and we (usually) have enough cash to see us through.  In short: life is good.  If you're caffected with your mate, life is perfect.  Got Caffection?

Today in History: Disneyland opened in Anaheim California in 1955.

Famous birthday: Peter Schickele, aka P.D.Q. Bach, born in Iowa in 1935.