Awake With Appreciation

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What wonderful thing, waking each morning with the person you love (and LIKE too).
Take a deep breathe in, touch their warmth and whisper words of gratitude to yourself. If your mate is in the drowsy awake period, they'll hear your comforting words. Knowing they feel the same increases your connection to your each other. Savor your fabulous relationship by remembering this moment later in the day, and smile.

Happy Marriages

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Happy marriages are innovative, fresh, surprising. They create, by their very nature, the ongoing happy challenge of 'getting there first' in the marriage with a heretofore unexperienced gift, acknowledgement, or titillation. It's the hidden note card in a spouse's luggage, a flower delivery at the office for no reason, the preparation of a favorite meal when they least expect it. Happy marriage is the tender greeting, with words that penetrate a spouse's soul because of their delivery, and the depth of their feeling. Happy marriage is attention through focused listening, the almost lost art of truly hearing what the spouse is saying--or not saying. Happy marriage is the ability to anticipate what a spouse will do, say, want, need and ask for next, and the ability to provide it. Happy marriage is...happy, because it's a recognition that a spouse is happy, and, maturity being required, it's knowing we're only part of the union. Happy marriage is its own reward, and our ability to change that keeps it fresh. Read more...

Appreciating Housework

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It's true, you can find fun ways to keep your relationship vibrant. Soon you'll enjoy making the mudane household tasks interesting with these simple ideas. Next time you're putting the laundry away leave a shmily note in a sock or in a coffee cup when unloading the dishwasher. The anticipation of their expression when it's found, makes it worth the wait. Making the ordinary, extraordinary with a smiley-faced breakfast or fixing their favorite meal for no reason at all.
Imagine making housework fun or even sexy! iVillage recently released a survey with results which reveal how sharing chores can build a relationship. Everyone loves to be appreciated and acknowledged. Alisa Bowman has a very clever thought, make housework a new kind of foreplay
to encourage chore-sharing. Finding new ways to show appreciative loving is just a google away. Coming up 7th (in over 4 million sites) marriage suite 101 brings us these insights from author Genna Cockerham.

Fun in Your Great Long-Term Relationship

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Coming to your wedding in comfy shoes is a great start to any marriage. Life's too short to get married in tight shoes. Find fun ways to celebrate your love every single day. Just like Tracey & Conrad, (the couple in the shoes above) and Jill & Kevin, (check out their wedding dance (video) realize, life's not a dress rehearsal; it's the real thing. Our friends at What Happy Couples Do discuss the value of creating distinct rituals only the two of you share, and we whole-heartedly agree. We frequently blog on the importance of the bonding aspect of your relationship.

Though this seems intuitive, many people don't routinely do what we've come to call "Appreciative Loving". We've found when we take the time to appreciate and acknowledge the small things we do for each other, our relationship blooms. The more you give, the more you receive. It's very cool, it's fun, and it will enrich your relationship.
As Denise Quinlan notes in her recent article, "Positive relationships support development and learning, and they make us happy in the long-term." Building your relationship based on love, respect and trust will assure you a life-long, strong bond.
We've also enjoyed finding friends who share our appreciative loving concept. Couples who support this idea are positive people who enjoy building each other up. They surround themselves with other couples who do this as well, thus creating a circle of friends of Caffection.

Appreciation

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Find a new way to appreciate each other everyday. You never know when a fun note may show up in your lunch bag or your sock. Go on walks together, skip or even lop. Compliment each other, smile, do a favor. It keeps your love alive and well. And ACK... always choose kind.

Love, Commitment and Caffection

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We attended a beautiful wedding last weekend. Two people who are obviously caffected, in every sense of the word. There's nothing they wouldn't do for each other and it shows. We understand this feeling of commitment, concern and love. It's an appreciation for one another that grows deeper everyday and can last a lifetime if nurtured properly.
We routinely send cards (now you can even send e-cards), leave each other notes, look up fun & romantic places to travel. We do simple things, such read and make meals together (and clean up the kitchen). Just knowing the other is there to help or lend a hand adds value to our relationship.
What do you do to build your bond?

HAPPY OCTOBER!

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A chill in the air and leaves dropping off the trees signals it's time to get ready for winter. Fall is a good time to work together to get the many items done to prepare the house & yard for the oncoming winter. The tasks at hand tend to be routine and sometimes burdensome, however creating a new ritual out of it can lighten the load and make fall something to look forward to each year. This year we're discussing what color to paint the house in the spring, be sure to let us know if you have any suggestions.
And send along any fall rituals you look forward to as well.

Create Intimacy in Your Relationship

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Being best friends with your mate can be one of the most rewarding relationships possible. Whether your relationship is brand new, or ages old, there's always room for growth to keep the love fire burning. Intimacy is an important part of all long term love affairs. However we're not talking about sexual intimacy here, though that's an important part of life. This intimacy comes from creating a 'secret' relationship that only the two of you share. Sideways glances across a room just to catch the others' eye, and a grin of knowing you belong to each other. A pat on shoulder, brushing against the other, or a peck on the cheek without any sexual requirement tied to it can build a stronger bond between you. Complimenting each other when you're out lets friends witness the great relationship you have, while encouraging them to do the same. You'll be surprised how other couples will want to be in your company, being positive is contagious.

Directionally Challenged

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This is for all of those (others) out there who are directionally challenged too.
First some ground rules to get us started:
1) You CAN get to Gahanna from OSU by way of Bexley.
2) The sunset is readily visible driving WEST.
3) "Feeling" like you're driving in the right direction doesn't make it correct.
4) It does not help to keep driving when rule #3 is occurring.
The rest of the story:
My first "OMG I'm lost [again]" clue was when I arrived on the corner of High Street with the following posted signs: No Right Turn, No Left Turn, Detour AND the car in front of me sported the vanity plate NOWWUT. This is when I smiled & laughed out loud.

I appreciate Byron because, though he'll never understand how it happens, he's the first to say, "It's okay Mariah, there's more than one way to get home."

And when you're Caffected, there is no place like home.

Resources Abound

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Project: Noun. Mr Webster states this is a 'planned event', though some projects fall way outside the 'planned' concept. We're in the midst one of those 'projects' right now. We're changing web hosts for Caffection.com and have run into more than a few snags. Being true optimists, we didn't have far to look to find the good in the challenges. Here's three just for starters: 1) This has given us opportunity to implement ideas recommended by the many Caffection fans out there. 2) We've revisited some of the sites we list as resources and found they've also upgraded and improved their sites as well. Freedom to Marry has a dynamic page on legal marriage and HRC has a wedding registry for couples to share their excitement & joy. 3) As with any project, dusting & sprucing things up helps keep a site fresh and vibrant. Just like a good relationship, always finding new ways to show gratitude and affirmation. While we're pushing ahead, we appreciate your patience with some broken links and disheveled pages. The gain will be worth the pain.

Self-Denial & Marriage

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Once in a while the opportunity arises to think of our spouse instead of ourselves. These fleeting chances don’t come along very often, but when they do, and if we grab them, the warm and fuzzy feeling it infuses in our marriage makes it worth whatever the cost. Here are a few examples of events and opportunities we can look for to deny our own needs and wants inside our relationship, and to enhance the quality of our marriage with very little effort.

We’ve heard for years that role reversal can be a distressing thing, that when we step outside our assigned spot we invite all manner of disruption and discord. But what if we made the reversal something of a routine, thereby lessening its impact? Say we take turns cooking, or making grocery rounds, or even getting the car, lawn mower, furnace and/or air conditioner serviced. None of those items require a specific gender marker, and our mate will be astonished if we step outside ourselves, get over whatever squeamishness we may have about any of the tasks listed above and, as the ad says, “Just do it!” The look on their face will be priceless.

Ask them what they wish we’d stop doing. This one’s tough; we have to be able to listen--we did ask, after all--and what they tell us may not be easy to hear. But they’ll appreciate the gesture, and my guess is, that every couple has things they’d like to discuss with each other about minor irritants (or not so minor). My other guess is that we already know the answer, and we’re just getting them to confirm what we suspect. In any case, the conversation is always helpful, just for the communication if nothing else. Plus, then you get to tell them something!

Don’t be afraid to solicit advice and ideas from close friends. Since we started our marriage website, my wife and I have been amazed at the number of couples who seem almost embarrassed to celebrate their marriage. This self-consciousness about being together is pervasive, and, we believe, corrosive to relationships. Asking others what works for them in terms of rituals, time together, bonding and communicating may elicit stares and stammering from other couples, but it may produce some gems, too. We’ve been pleasantly surprised at our seminars at the great ideas couples have for sharing their love and commitment to each other. The other gratifying thing we’ve learned is that couples with similar values, views, and energy levels attract each other. And it works both ways: negative, acerbic couples seem to enjoy sharing their harsh view of the world; positive, upbeat couples hang with those who share their optimistic, positive view.

Some years ago Carly Simon sang about ‘Anticipation’. The song was atop the charts for several weeks, and is still heard from time to time. It’s likely that no single effort endears people to each other more in relationships than the simple act of anticipating the others’ needs. Many times I’ve been able to enjoy the look on my wife’s face when, as she enters our home after work, the exact meal she hoped would be on the table actually is there waiting for her. It’s moments like these that make a marriage endure. And it’s all about anticipation. In addition, the effort seems to be not only contagious, it also appears to be self-perpetuating. Call it marital telepathy: the more we anticipate our partner’s needs and wants, the easier it is to do the same next time. After awhile it seems to come naturally, like reading each other’s minds. It can get downright eerie after a string of such occurrences. Any number of times my wife and I have experienced a similar urge to call each other with specific information, prepared a favorite meal we knew they’d want, or made arrangements to see or do something to please them--well before they asked for it. This could be a rather subjective method of determining the potential for longevity in a marriage: after a year, see how well the pair reads the others’ thoughts, and judge from that. Instead of the newlywed game, call it perhaps the first anniversary game instead, at which time the exercise can be performed, and a score tallied.

Finally, not so much self-denial as distraction-denial--kids, television, computers, Wii, hobbies, yard work, tasks of all sorts that can wait--these are the things that need to be secondary to a relationship. These are the things that our mate, our best friend, may want us to put aside, but be hesitant to ask for. Willingness to put them first is always a win-win. Here’s the deal: if we’d put those things aside for our best friend--then we should do it that much sooner for our mate.

What Color is Your Soul?

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A question not often pondered, but consider it for a moment if you will. Where does that one simple question take you? First you may drift to the color charts of your mind. Is it really that simple, after all what is a soul? An extension of our deepest self that reflects our truest feelings? A spiritual entity within?
What color is your soul? Does this color include an appreciation for the many areas of your life for which you're grateful? Is the color warm or cool just now? Will it reflect the hope you have for the future or carry the weight of past sorrows? How wonderful to be present, allowing your true colors to shine brightly as an affirming light, for the ones you love the most and the ones watching from afar.
What color would you like the world to see?

Abundance

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Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into.
Wayne Dyer

Late Snow?

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We made a roadtrip to Cleveland April 7th. This beautiful home had its large yard graced by a late season snow. It didn't seem to mind the inconvenience of coolness, only taking in the fresh moisture upon its new spring green. Relationships are like that too. We get to choose how we respond to all situations in life.

Choose Your Life

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We have a calling to train couples to celebrate their solid relationships with affirmations and rituals. It's very exciting to know you can choose your attitude and your life! How wonderful to be in a forever relationship with the one you love the most.
An important part of a caffected relationship is making time for each other, not just the leftover pieces of your day. 'Quality time' is a cliche, but there's a particle of truth to it. Love requires positive energy management to not only sustain itself, but to grow and prosper.
Creating rituals helps you focus your time and energy on your mate, your best friend! Making time for your best friend lets them know just how important they are to you.
Imagine being able to be with the one special person who knows your secrets, knows your foibles, fears, aspirations. The one you'd want sharing your space, your kitchen, your car, your bed, your living and dining room, your romantic interludes, your life? If you're nodding your head right now, you are caffected. We applaud your commitment!
Be sure to use this recipe to keep your love fresh & vibrant: Combine fun, nurturing, patience, understanding, appreciation, support, respect. Knead well. Rich rewards are in store. Enjoy.

PDAs

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This snippet is taken from our soon to be published new book Appreciative Loving. It's part of chapter 2, in reference to public displays of affection.

'One thing we experience from people who encounter us in our public life is a sense of disbelief. Why is that? People have an automatic response to anything that challenges their perceptions and experience. We have to confess that our relationship does that, a lot. We take a fair amount of heat for our open expressions of joy in each others’ company, the simple but heartfelt expressions of love and care we use with each other, regardless of where we are or who is watching. More than once we’ve been advised to ‘get a room’ as they say.
Not to say we’re openly demonstrative to the point of indecency; that’s certainly not us. Indeed, our public interaction is quite the opposite; we elicit stares from other couples because we’re openly tender and caring, not in-your-face tactile like a couple of hormonal teens. But the reactions we elicit are a bit sad in any case. Where is it written that two adults should refrain from showing love and affection for each other? It’s been written and said too many times that the public marketplace is filled with displays of violence and abuse, and our collective response to that is quiet resignation. But if two people, especially two adults, skip along a sidewalk together, or kiss in public beyond the accepted time limit (somewhere between 2 and 2.6 seconds, near as we can figure), others become dismissive and embarrassed.'

If you've experienced such reactions, we'd like to hear about them.

Theories

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This is an excerpt from our upcoming book, Appreciative Loving--a New Angle On An Old Idea, coming soon.

'Seeming nonsense as naming clouds can bond us in ways we haven't known since childhood. It’s all about trust. In a truly gratifying marriage we have the ability and even the impulse to act childlike, and there’s not a thing wrong with that. The chance to go back to the sandbox is very attractive at times. Appreciative Loving gives us permission to do that, and to rediscover the ease and simplicity of a time long ago when adult concerns weren’t such a burden. The ability to let go of such burdens isn’t just one of many ways to create a more harmonious atmosphere in our marriage and family life, either. It can actually extend our lives, giving us more enjoyable years with our mates. Psychologists are discovering that a long-assumed theory is likely true, that happy married people live longer, and enjoy life more every day. Theorists such as Martin Seligman in Illinois, and George Vaillant at Harvard have created a sea change in the study and treatment of mental health by focusing on the various ways we humans find to be happy, instead of concentrating treatment options on our seeming drift into unhappiness and mental dis-ease. The latter, of course, is the hallmark of the mental health profession: how to ‘cure’ a patient’s misery and mental discomfort. This concentration on the negative, the dark side of human psychology has long been what distinguished the profession, partly because diagnoses were fundable, where studies of happy patients, inextricably, are not.'
Look for Appreciative Loving soon. We'll keep you posted.

Gaps

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I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other's gaps. Rocky

Wisdom

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Wisdom is something acquired only through time.

Married to Your Best Friend, Show Your Appreciation

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As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest
appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. JFK

Though these words from JFK ring true for everyone, stylistic differences, brought out by living together day in & day out, can cause tensions. It's amazing how a few words of appreciation create a more peaceful union. If you find yourself irritated about the way your mate folds the laundry or the way the TP roll is hung, try this; write them a note of thanks for doing it. This will help you remember someone else is doing the task (even if it's folded differently, it's done!) and it serves as a reminder that you get to choose your attitude. Isn't it cool to have a positive relationship? Everyone should have a love like yours.