Saturday, January 31, 2009

Is Married (Caffected) Sex Better?

You bet it is. How many of you can't even imagine the dating scene?! A question we hear is, "Can a marriage maintain sexual excitement over time?" Absolutely. It even gets better! And here are 6 fun ways to do just that:
1) Carry around a note (affirmation) in your pocket that says I love being with my sexy mate.
2) Text a seductive message to your lover.
3) Put a juicy note in their lunch bag.
4) Wear an outfit you know turns them on.
5) Call them when they're on their way home from work and breathe heavily in the phone.
6) Invite them into the bedroom with lit candles, incense, and music awaiting. Then strip them naked and do a strip-tease for them. Give them a massage--if you can make it that long.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Island life

We lived on the island of Kauai for three years. While there we joined an ocean paddling club, (Kaloa outrigger canoe club in Kaloa). One of the lessons a paddler learns right away is how powerful and unforgiving the ocean is, and how quickly the boat will Huli, or capsize, if we fail to pay attention, or disregard its balance. If the team forgets the essentials, leans too far away from the amah, or the steering person aims the boat at the wrong angle approaching a wave the boat will Huli in a heartbeat. And the ocean is deep.
We're in the beginning of a new president's administration, the term of a leader who grew up in the islands. From growing up on Oahu President Obama knows about the aloha spirit, personal responsibility, and the team interaction needed for success when paddling in the vast and unforgiving sea. Obama entered the White House with sky high expectations. He's charged with steering us away from the most treacherous reefs we've encountered, perhaps in our history. Failure is simply not an option.
But here's something else we learned in Hawaii: the steering person, number six in the back of the boat can keep us free of shoals and breaking waves, yes, but the others--positions one through five--must pull together in synch to make the boat go forward. So the answer isn't so much to lower expectations for Obama but to raise them for all of us, or we'll all Huli. And the ocean is deep.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A Higher Standard
My friends are my estate. Emily Dickinson
It’s our dream to one day have truly be YOUR website. Each day after returning home from our “paying” jobs, we blog and tweak the site a tad. At times we wonder if a website to affirm married best friends is even needed? And then; there are days we just know. JUSTKNOWIT. Thank you, M&S in Covina California, for sharing your story.
Good marriages are based on responsibility, equity, and love, without restrictions based on the biological gender, procreative potential, or sexual orientation of the partners.
Good marriages:
• are committed to the mutual care and fulfillment of both partners;
• increase the capacity of the individuals to contribute to the common good;
• assure that all children are wanted, loved, and nurtured;
• are free of threats, violence, exploitation, and intimidation.

M & S have worn other rings as a sign of their love since 1996. These rings were blessed by the late Rev. Howard B. Warren, Jr., at a spontaneous “wedding” of sorts for them, held in the lobby of the La Posada Hotel as they were waiting to eat at a Mexican restaurant in Albuquerque, New Mexico, during the Presbyterian Church’s General Assembly. We remember Howard and other saints who have gone before us this day as we re-bless these cherished symbols.
The wedding ring is the outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual bond, uniting two loyal hearts in endless love. These circles are designed without an ending, so they speak of eternity. May the wear on these rings be a reminder of the loving history of these two; and may the incorruptible substance of these rings represent a love glowing with increasing luster through the years; and may all good and holy beings upon this Earth bless these rings which you give to each other as the sign of your love, trust, faithfulness, respect and devotion.
S, please place the ring on M’s left hand and repeat after me:
With this ring, I continue my promise to you 
that I will be your faithful partner in life.
M, please place the ring on S’s left hand and repeat after me:
With this ring, I continue my promise to you 
that I will be your faithful partner in life.

In Closing
The faith we affirm challenges us to speak and act for justice for all who seek to express their love in the commitment of marriage. Some people of faith differ with us; others may be undecided. To each and all, we reach out and seek to promote what is best for individuals, couples, families, children, and society. Our commitment is not only for the legal rights of some, but relational justice for all.

Monday, January 26, 2009


We're beginning to see a clear outline of a new kind of community involving caffected couples who share a high degree of wisdom, passion and real acceptance of who they are and what they believe. Peter Block writes about social interactions in a macro way. His newest offering, Community: The Structure of Belonging*, addresses the fragmentation of our society, and offers a unique perspective on why we seem unable to cure social ills: because we maintain our peculiarly western attitude, "let's itemize our problems" at them, which effectively gives them a new lease on life. Thus, according to Block, by attempting to solve problems, we highlight them and the cycle continues. Instead, the author says, we need to change the conversation to make it say what future we envision, and it cannot help but happen that way.
*San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler, 2008

Sunday, January 25, 2009

and the wisdom to know the difference
What’s the big deal, it’s just a word.
One simple word.
It’s a word that’s packed full of emotion. A word that means different things to different people. A word that brings many responsibilities AND many benefits to those who choose to marry. Does it really need to be an issue? Recently we had a family member tell us they didn’t approve of our lifestyle. It’s true, we’re middle-class Americans who regularly attend church, enthusiastically promote Caffected marriages and believe everyone should have what we have. The message we heard was: We’ve got work to do! Our country is going through a wonderful transformation at this time, what an opportunity we have. We must unite in a grass-roots effort to provide our families, friends, neighbors and coworkers information they need to make decisions regarding marriage equality. This message of Caffection is one of love, one of peace, one of inclusion, one of hope that soon ALL couples will have the rights & benefits marriage in our country offers. Everyone should have a love like this, everyone should be allowed to marry their best friend, if they so choose.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Who are you?
Can you remember when you were young, your grade school teachers made you include everyone in your games at recess? In P.E., though they may have been chosen last, even the kids who weren't good in sports, still were included. Hmmmm, kind of makes you wonder when it all changed? But it certainly does as we begin to have the influences/bias of family, friends, the media and the world. Some good, some not so good and, unfortunately, most people conform unwittingly. There is a new sense of hope in our country now. A feeling that positive change is about to begin and with it many new initiatives.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Affirming Exclusive Romantic Marriage

The books we read have a direct impact on our path. We know there are no mistakes in the universe, the challenges life sends our way can lead us down an unexpected path. Our response to those challenges, however, creates our life direction. It is the same for you.
You see, you are the pilot. You are the navigator. As long as you remain in control of your thoughts, you are in control of your life. We believe attitude and kindness are a choice. Every day we're all surrounded by countless messages from our family, the media and our society. We have the privilege of choosing what we take in AND what we give out.
Our choice is reflected through the information we provide on our website & blog. Caffection Married to My Best Friend indicates we're positive people who live by the examples of our many teachers.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

CAFFECTION in The White House

President Barack & First Lady Michelle Obama and the Caffection in The White House story begins today. Though there may have been Caffected couples in the White House before--Abigail & John Adams, Edith & Woodrow Wilson, Bess & Harry Truman, there was no specific term to describe what they had together. Now there is; Caffection! Married to My Best Friend. Look at the picture of Michelle & Barack Obama. Can there be any doubt that these two are hopelessly smitten with each other? That's Caffection. Barack referred to their Caffected status in his victory speech in Grant Park on November 4th when he gave Michelle credit as 'the rock of our family, my best friend for the past sixteen years, the love of my life..." They simply adore each other, and this is the way Marriage ought to look. This is exactly why we say to everyone who will listen, "Everyone should have a love like this."

Monday, January 19, 2009


Dr. Martin Luther King jr. had a dream: "That some day this great nation will rise up and fulfill the true meaning of its creed." Dr. King left us 41 years ago today; but he didn't leave us with a vague, unfocused idea of what his dream was. He left us with a powerful, and powerfully simple vision of what could be. And, like all great visionaries, Dr. King's message was not only very simple, it was a message that was already in our consciousness, and in the very fabric of our 'great nation's creed'. That all men are created equal. There's no simpler word in the English language than 'all'. It leaves no room for ambiguity, no latitude for exception. It means exactly what it says, a refreshing thing in an otherwise gray, nuanced world. All means everyone--EVERYONE. Let's strive today to make Dr. King's dream, his simple vision become reality for the ALL that it's intended for.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Living the vision

We're people who choose to be positive. Make no mistake, it is a choice, as is choosing to be kind. Today we had the opportunity to be both. A friend wrote to let us know our names appeared on a list against civil rights. What a shock to see us listed as INequality supporters.
Our response:
1) Disbelief
2) Amazement
3) Gratitude
We certainly hope we're not inaccurately listed elsewhere. If you find our names listed as supporters of inequality, please let us know straight away.
We're amazed that someone would go to the effort of putting our names on this list. We're grateful to Heather for finding it and calling our attention to it.
And now for the kind part.
Wayne Dyer teaches, when you have a choice of being right or being kind, Always Choose Kind. We commonly refer to this as ACK. We've been known to look at each other and say "ACK" when we know the other is ready to launch a negative response. This is our trigger to stop & choose kindness, to find the positive in a potentially negative situation.
The vision we have is crystal clear: Caffection, everyone should be married to their best friend. It's a vision of compassion, kindness, love, understanding and EQUALITY.

Friday, January 16, 2009

I Can

The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can." Scott Stanley

Thursday, January 15, 2009


Our most recent gift comes from S in California. Here's part of what she writes:

"Today is my birthday. I know how fortunate I am to be alive. And I know how fortunate I am to have such a loving relationship. My brother and his son have come out to visit, and we are awaiting M's arrival so that we can all go out to dinner and celebrate. But honestly, for us every day is a celebration!"

S, thank you for sharing this heartfelt story, and for affirming us. A celebration indeed.
(She and M were married in August '08--congratulations!)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Yes, it's my birthday -- (Mariah). I have one simple wish.

I wish everyone could have a love like Byron & I have.

Our love is tender
Our love is gentle
It's a love built on trust and respect
Ours is a love that required risk to acquire,
one that's overcome fear and judgment
Loving him is the best thing I've ever done
and he thinks he's the lucky one
A love like this weathers all storms
and keeps you forever
Warm & Safe & Loved


Tuesday, January 13, 2009


That's what they call them. Blogs. we seem to live a lot of our lives these days in front of a cold, unfeeling device that we can get pretty attached to. And blogging is one way we reach out through the magic of computers to get a sense of what the rest of the world is doing. In one of her better efforts, singer-songwriter Mary Chapin Carpenter sang of being "knee deep in a river, drowning of thirst". One of the primary messages of our Caffection seminars is that life ISN'T a blog, but a chance to put our real selves out there and shine. We say that life is a feast, and most people are starving to death. Another message we send to everyone is this: being married to your best friend may sound like a quaint, 'cutesy' message, but it's a reality we don't just blog about, we live it every day. 99% is a sin. Here's a blogged challenge for you: starting tomorrow--make that today--instead of blogging, tell your mate I love you madly, deeply, truly & forever. They won't blog back; they'll be all over you.

Monday, January 12, 2009


Next Monday is MLK day, and it's also a National Day of Service. Go to and check out all the great opportunities to roll up your sleeves, and pitch in to help with whatever project you find there. Or better yet, create your own service-related activity. The day before Barack Obama's inauguration seems an appropriate time to remember Martin Luther King who devoted his entre life to serving his fellow human beings.
At Caffection, we promote several different initiatives including continual support for Human Rights, Marriage Equality, Equality Ohio and others in an ongoing effort to make this country the 'more perfect union' it's always trying to be.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Appreciation of Great Friendships

We've been blessed to have made wonderful connections as a result of our Caffection website. Friends, old and new, are giving us great feedback. People are telling us what's working and what's not. They're saying do more of this, change that and it would be a real help to have additional resources for us too. Wow! Thank-you all. This is a very exciting time for us and for you too, as we watch Caffection! Married To My Best Friend grow into the resource it will be.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Happily Ever After -- Caffected!

has the goal of providing affirmation and resources for happily "Caffected" couples.
But to believe the childhood nursery rhyme and fairy tale promises, "and they lived happily ever after" can occur spontaneously is as much of a myth as the tales themselves. We know when you go the extra mile in your relationship, you're rewarded tenfold. Affirming each other in some way every single day will help you realize the 'happily ever after' goal. And what a grand goal creating a fantastic marriage is. One that everyone should have, as our friends at Marriage Equality and Freedom to Marry understand. Everyone should have a love like this.
Even though we've not been 'discovered' by Wikipedia (and anyone out there who's so inclined, feel free to let the wiki's know about us), recent Google searches reveal there are 12,700,000 links for married friendship. Good news for marriage!
We're excited to report there is a new resource page in progress for the website. One that will provide additional links for couples who will be changing their status to married! That day will be a time for all married best friends to celebrate.

Friday, January 9, 2009


Remember the OJ Simpson trial? Those who do still shake their heads in disbelief that OJ walked, and we were not the least surprised how his life has sunk into further depravity & senseless behavior since that time 14 years ago. Johnny Cochran? Dead a year ago. Robert Kardashian? Dead of cancer at 59. Karma? Who knows. But those who attempted to convict OJ have done wonderfully well. There's a tide in the affairs of men that rules over all. People may seem to escape the power of this universal force for a time, but it eventually exacts payment, good and bad. At Caffection, we understand one aspect of this universal force, and we address it in our seminars: what you focus on expands. It's simple physics: save for a rainy day, get a rainy day; save for a joyful day, get a joyful day; expect obstacles, encounter obstacles; expect opportunities, see opportunites. What we identify with will be our fate.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Kids who are different

Here's to the kids who are different. It's a touching poem that appears to be about kids who 'have ears twice the size of their peers'. But we don't have to read very far before we realize it's about a lot more than kids. There's another piece called Island of the MisFit Toys that has the same theme, and the same resolution; the toys are gathered because no one wants them, and they become the most revered toys in the end. Dumbo is another classic story of the 'different' kid that gets picked on, ridiculed, shunned. The bottom line of all these stories is that we make fun of odd people who insinuate themselves into our midst, because we lack the courage to stand up and greet them, welcome them, and thereby risk being considered odd ourselves. It's a real dilemma for us, because in this society standing out is promoted, prized, and valued. How much better would we all feel with the ability to not only welcome the oddballs into our company, but to seek them out? Take a different kid to lunch soon.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


Passion is a funny thing: since starting Caffection, and interacting with people around it, we've been asked a number of times why we're doing it, and what our 'agenda' is. Here's what we tell them. Passion is who we are. It's the only thing we know. It's what defines our relationship, how we view the world. Someone once said that life is a feast and most people are starving to death. We're a bit odd insofar as we're devouring things at a pace that seems to bother a lot of people. When we walk hand in hand, do a PDA, or go through our 'lop' in public, we get a lot of stares. We're used to it. Another way to think about passion is to consider it energy. We put a lot of energy into each other and we also, by the way, put a lot of energy into our seminars for couples. Nothing happens without energy, and we believe there's no shortage.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Create Positive Affirmations

It's a double-edged sword, keeping a positive attitude and being up to date on the current news. We've all seen how the news is mostly negative. It does require work to stay focused on the good, but there's a lot out there. Let's look for some today.
Married best friends have reason to be positive about every aspect of their lives; we’re happier, healthier, less stressed, and more content. We talk about legacy. Usually that means money, but having a caffected relationship may be an even better legacy for your heirs than $. If the kids see you interacting with respect and compassion for each other, they'll want that, too.
We encourage you to find positive news every day. Smile, laugh, find joy.

Monday, January 5, 2009


Only 12 days till the first ever Caffection Couples Seminar. We believe in marriage equality, and the thing is, our vision reflects that. Here it is in a nutshell: we believe that everyone should have what we have, that everyone who wishes to marry, should be able to marry without regard to gender differences. This will happen, hopefully soon. And here's how it will happen: our kids will educate us to its inherent logic. Bertrand Russell said there are three phases to every social change. First is ridicule, followed by violent opposition, followed by acceptance as common wisdom. We're in the violent opposition stage now, so very soon the tide will change. Our seminars are not directly aimed at the politics & confrontation of this; instead, we're conducting them as if the change has already occurred, and 'common wisdom' prevails.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

We have a little facebook experiment going, care to join? Caffection is great fun. We're hearing from many people who say they love being "married" to their best friend. They believe that everyone should have a love like this! We're even crafting a document that states the obvious--being with your best friend and enjoying all the rights and responsibilities attached to that arrangement is a non-issue. That's what we believe, and it's something we're looking forward to. Someday we'll be able to interact with each other and the issue of gay, straight, black, white, Jew, Gentile, Arab, Irish, Outer Mongolian won't even come up because, guess what--it's not relevant! We have a lot more important things to be using our energy for these days than what's going on in other people's bedrooms for Pete's sake. Go to, and join into the (hopefully lively) discussion. That's something else we endorse--the refreshing sound of vigorous debate, now that you-know-who is about to leave the world stage, thank God. So dive in, give us your two or eight cents worth, and let's have a blast.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Rekindle the Inner Spirit

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.
It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.
We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
Albert Schweitzer

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy CAFFECTED New Year
Each new year brings the hope of a brighter tomorrow. 2009 has arrived with an uncommon sense of excitement related to the first full year of Caffection, and the historic event which will occur January 20th. A Caffected Couple in the White House. Though there have been other Caffected couples before them, this is the first President-elect who declared it in his acceptance speech: And I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 16 years ... the rock of our family, the love of my life, the nation's next first lady ... Michelle Obama.
We wish you all a happy, healthy 2009.