Empty Nest

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The house even sounds empty, doesn’t it? You walk in and your footfall seems to echo; the sounds of the refrigerator clanking on startles you with its suddenness; imaginary kid sounds emanate from empty upstairs rooms. Pictures on the mantel stare back, and you remember when they were that age, and marvel at quickly time has passed. You miss your children: the laughter in the house; the hum of their constant presence; the palpable sensation that they are there, and that they need you. They were job one for as long as you can recall. Now they’re gone, and you miss them.
But there’s something else you miss. You miss each other; the easy interaction before the kids came along; the ability to throw a change of clothes and a toothbrush in a bag, jump in the car, tear away to New York, or San Francisco, or Kansas City for a long weekend, and never even think about the house, or pets, or kids. It was so easy, and you took for granted that it always would be. All you needed was a little cash, and a roadmap, and you were perfectly content. ...Read More

Create Intimacy in Your Relationship

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Being best friends with your mate can be one of the most rewarding relationships possible. Whether your relationship is brand new, or ages old, there's always room for growth to keep the love fire burning. Intimacy is an important part of all long term love affairs. However we're not talking about sexual intimacy here, though that's an important part of life. This intimacy comes from creating a 'secret' relationship that only the two of you share. Sideways glances across a room just to catch the others' eye, and a grin of knowing you belong to each other. A pat on shoulder, brushing against the other, or a peck on the cheek without any sexual requirement tied to it can build a stronger bond between you. Complimenting each other when you're out lets friends witness the great relationship you have, while encouraging them to do the same. You'll be surprised how other couples will want to be in your company, being positive is contagious.

Directionally Challenged

CAFFECTION.COM

This is for all of those (others) out there who are directionally challenged too.
First some ground rules to get us started:
1) You CAN get to Gahanna from OSU by way of Bexley.
2) The sunset is readily visible driving WEST.
3) "Feeling" like you're driving in the right direction doesn't make it correct.
4) It does not help to keep driving when rule #3 is occurring.
The rest of the story:
My first "OMG I'm lost [again]" clue was when I arrived on the corner of High Street with the following posted signs: No Right Turn, No Left Turn, Detour AND the car in front of me sported the vanity plate NOWWUT. This is when I smiled & laughed out loud.

I appreciate Byron because, though he'll never understand how it happens, he's the first to say, "It's okay Mariah, there's more than one way to get home."

And when you're Caffected, there is no place like home.

Rituals in Marriage: Couple Glue for the two of you.

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“At the core, what rituals do is, they give you a sense of history, predictability, playfulness or something to look forward to.”
Dr. Carol Bruess, author of What Happy Couples Do.

Everyone has rituals whether they realize it or not. Married couples have a lot of rituals, and they act as a kind of glue that holds the union intact, even in good times. Maybe especially in good times. The word ritual in fact, has the same root as the word rite, which is the act that makes us married people in the first place. From Latin ‘ritus’ via middle English for descriptions of ceremonies, the word has a long history with communities and couples. It also gave us the word arithmetic, originally meaning to count, or pronounce noteworthy. From the Encyclopedia Brittanica “Ritual is a specific, observable mode of behavior exhibited by all known societies. It is thus possible to view ritual as a way of defining or describing humans.”
All known societies. That means all of us. In marriage, though, the rituals of our daily interaction describe not just the initiation or onset of a new status or identification, but an ongoing behavior that almost identifies us to each other. Think of the Newlywed Game TV show many years ago. Those young, or not so young, couples were asked to identify behaviors of their mates. Then the recently off-stage mate was asked to identify with those behaviors. It was interesting to note how many times couples got it wrong, meaning that one or the other didn’t recognize a ritual as such. Over time, those people will see more clearly the ways those behaviors impact their mate and the relationship.

Rituals run the gamut from heartwarming to irritating, and everything in between. Some define roles in the relationship: he takes out the trash; she irons clothes, or the other way around. In some marriages he decides on vehicle matters; she defines the house and its contents. He might organize the vacation, while she sets up child care and the kennel.
But the rituals that truly matter in a relationship are the fun, romantic, bonding behaviors that are like the DNA of the marriage. Call it couple glue. Here’s a list of wonderful rituals gathered over many years. They’re loving, fun, even fascinating snippets of creative outreach between people fortunate enough to be deeply in love with their mates, regardless of the number of years together. And the exhilarating part is, they’re available for use by everyone.

Love notes--the old standby. Leave them everywhere, and at random. They don’t have to be extensive. In fact, shorter is better. Forget Twitter--write something.

A single flower goes a long way.

Be on the lookout for casual announcements from your mate such as “I’d sure like to...” Make that happen, and you’re the most romantic spouse on earth.

After ‘hello’, say something uplifting and complimentary. “Have I told you lately that I adore you?” is far better than “Did you remember to cancel the paper?” Make it a ritual.
Whisper. It’s incredibly romantic, and it drives the kids nuts. Great ritual.

Home from work, just snuggle in complete silence for long minutes.

Anticipate chores they hate, and do them ahead of time. This is love in action.

Nicnames may sound silly, but they identify you. ‘Goofball, Fred, Betty, snuggle-butt, sexpot, honey-bear, there are a thousand of them, a million maybe.

Remember their parents’ anniversaries/birthdays/death dates/red letter days.

Two words: Chocolate and Port.

Call them out of the blue.

Carve your initials in a tree. Yes, inside a heart.

Guys--open her car door for her. Old fashioned? Sure, that’s the point.

Women--talk him up. Men simply love it when wives brag, especially if it’s true.

Never share a mate’s deficiencies with anyone.

Guys--listen.

Women--tell your mate what you want.

Guys--no teasing, about anything.

Women--no criticizing, just pose ‘opportunities to improve’.


Select a keyword. Use it for ‘rescue me’, or ‘I need you to listen’, or ‘I’d rather not invite the Johnsons to dinner because they snipe at each other’. Keywords are handy. My wife and I use ‘fascinating’, as in, ‘The Johnsons are fascinating people, dear’. Guess who doesn’t get invited? Another, somewhat more exciting keyword can signal a desire for sex. The secret there is that every couple has one of these already whether they acknowledge it or not.

Maybe the best ritual of all is to simply show gratitude for everything your mate does. Marriage isn’t all sweetness and light, after all. It involves the interaction of two people who will have two different styles in everything from money to sex to clutter, to child-rearing. The best way to steer clear of petty clashes and irritation about those stylistic differences is to find something positive about the issue at hand, and be grateful for the way your mate handles it. Gratitude goes a long way to soothing upsets. It’s a good ritual to acquire in any marriage.

Rituals are such a critical part of relationships it’s good to identify the ones that define ours. Everyone has them; everyone needs them. It may even be more important to identify those which cause us irritation and discomfort over time--the way dirty clothes are left around, closets in disarray, those after dinner retreats to the den, leaving dirty dishes. Those are rituals, too. They may hold us together in ways we didn’t anticipate, minor irritations that we mention to friends in negative ways. In that regard we ought to turn them around, insert positives in their place, and reap the reward of their impact on the relationship. Couple glue should be warm and bonding. Great rituals can help make that happen.

Make love, not laps. Sex benefits our health

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The new swine flu, flesh eating bacteria, e-coli at the salad bar, where will it end? Just when you thought science dredged up only bad news comes this from across the Atlantic. Finally, there’s proof that sex, and it seems that it’s happy, satisfying, monogamous sex we’re referring to, actually helps us live longer. In an age of anxiety over health care plans, HMOs, managed care, overpriced insurance and uncertainty out of Washington, it turns out that regular bedroom intimacy with a loving, faithful partner is as salutary as we’d suspected all along.
Yes, there will be the naysayers, and those who claim that it’s just those randy Brits at it again with their prurient diversions, this time from a laboratory, funded no doubt with cash from their socialized medicine coffers. And there will be those who claim, not without justification, that the study was a waste of such funds, since a celibate life isn’t worth living, much less extending anyway. But for the real proof, here it is.
A recent study at Queens University in Belfast Northern Ireland* showed that frequent, satisfying sex has a remarkable affect on overall life satisfaction. No surprise there. As I said, we’ve long suspected as much. But the extensive study also demonstrated that regular sex has a proven affect on overall health and longevity in males. The mortality of about 1,000 middle-aged men was followed over the course of a decade. After a 10 year period, the British Medical Journal Lancet revealed that the men who reported the highest frequency of orgasm enjoyed a death rate 50 percent lower than the others.
It gets better. This and other studies have shown that having sex a few times a week has a direct link to reduced risk of heart disease: In a 2001 follow-up to the Queens University study, researchers looked at cardiovascular health. They found that men who have sex three or more times a week lowered their risk of heart attack and stroke by 50 percent. (!)
There were remarkable other findings as well, none of which are terribly surprising either, it’s just that they’ve rarely been demonstrated in a scientific journal. Here’s an example. From enjoying regular intimate contact with their mates, weight loss was noticeable in men over fifty. It makes sense; particularly after a certain young age, sex is a lot like exercise, not to say work, at times. A vigorous session in bed is about the same as running for 15 minutes or playing a game of tennis. They don’t call a tie score in tennis love for no reason, after all. During sex, your pulse rate rises from about 70 beats per minute to 150, similar to what you'd get from a vigorous workout at the gym. It may be the perfect aerobic exercise. Make love, not laps.
But wait, it gets even better. Sex as pain relief? Here’s another fascinating outcome of the study. Just before climax, our level of a hormone called oxytocin surges to five times its normal level. Five times! This flood of hormonal anesthesia releases endorphins, which alleviate the pain of everything from headaches to arthritis - even migraines. In women, orgasm stimulates the production of estrogen, which can reduce the pain of PMS. “Not tonight, dear, my headache is gone”.

As far as the long-term partner aspect of the study, there was really no mention of the gender of the so called ‘control group’, the other half of the participants. Indeed, the study focused solely on male health and longevity. Let’s hope a similar experiment arrives soon, based on the female model, and what the affects of a robust sexual experience has on them. If the Queens study is any indication, the results will be similar. One potential outcome may be, that women who enjoy a lot of intimate activity just happen to be married to a person who just happens to enjoy as much intimacy as she does, and just happens to want her to stick around for as long as possible. And that would come as no surprise either. We don’t really need to spend a lot of research money that could be put to better use. We could spend those dollars, or pounds sterling, developing vaccines for swine flu, eradicating this flesh eating menace, or buying sneeze shields for the salad bar.

*Department of Epidemiology and Public Health, Queen's University of Belfast, Belfast BT12 6BJ

48 hours

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Mariah and I have what we refer to as the ’48 hour rule’. Just as the name implies, for any substantial decision, house repair, kid crisis, vehicle issue, expenditure over about 50 dollars, we refer to the 48 hour--let’s-put-this-aside rule, and almost invariably our decision about whatever has arisen is better than an instant, gut-reaction one might have been. Some of the time the decision is identical; sometimes they’re very different, even polar opposite; sometimes, and this is perhaps the larger point, there’s no decision to make because the event, crisis or issue has simply dissipated or resolved itself. And invariably we’re glad we invoked this rule, and remain comfortable with the outcome.

Recently our daughter, newly married, announced that, for reasons irrelevant here, she and her new hubby were through, done, history. She was moving out, finished, didn’t want to talk about it. The way it was presented was, of course, a pretty transparent attempt to get a rise from us, and enlist our help against the scoundrel who do such a dastardly deed. Her vocabulary, volume and sense of indignity were palpable on the phone, reminiscent of some hyperbolic Hollywood vixen scorned and demeaned, bent on the most painful and irreversible mayhem on the lad, my new son-in-law.
The 48 hour rule? Instantly and absolutely. It worked very well when we decided on the spur of the moment to book our vacation to Paris instead of Key West. (The keys are magical). It worked ever so well when another daughter announced she would quit college over a “useless, asinine stats course I have to take and I’ll never use!” The graduation was delightful. It worked even when we decided to go ahead with the purchase of the Honda wagon, even with its 93,000 miles. At 130,000 it’s barely broken in.
The scrapping newlyweds? Love birds once again. How long did the little dustup last? You guessed it, about 48 hours.

It’s a useful tool to cool things off, allow, as doctors say, the tincture of time to do its magic, and to deal with what we have even today, too much information that makes us react too quickly, forcing decisions we likely would have made differently. The 48 hour rule: try it. But wait a couple of days.

Creating Summer Fun

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We've heard many people are doing "Staycations" in place of vacations this year. And we're proof positive a staycation can be done with a smile and good humor. One thing we like to do is create our own fun. We go to local events, such as Red, White & Boom, we make up new wordles, we found "Caffection" listed as a Squeasel word. Once we found out about squeasel words we asked them to add a word Lynne Bowman of Equality Ohio created -- Banniversary -- (and the folks at Squeasel did it!) We've gone out to eat with several friends and still have more events to attend. We've heard the new ballpark is a great venue, so we'll be taking in a game soon. We also have a little chiminea out back & with the cooler temps, we've been able to sneak out there at night, make a fire & watch the fireflys.
So tell us your staycation ideas!

Healthful Marriage

Caffection.com

The Healthful Marriage Recipe
preheat your union

• Heartful of Love
• Cup of Kindness
• Unlimited Forgiveness
• Ton of Intimacy
• Acre of Affection

Blend love and kindness. Nurture in forgiveness (carefully discarding resentment and anger) Bake with intimacy. Garnish with affection.
Serves 2.
Lasts a lifetime when tended with care.

Virtual Travels With Your Best Friend

CAFFECTION.com

When we miss the big water too much we "visit" sea to shining sea, virtually. Maine offers a bit of serenity and The Morning Dove, a welcoming B & B that's open year-round. Then there's the Pacific side where you visit wine country on your way to The Timber Cove Inn. And for those who really want to get away, check out Belize or a bit of down under. No matter where you travel virtually, you'll always have the comforts of home.

Caffected careers

Caffection.com
If you have the good fortune to work at the same place as your spouse, count your blessings. Some say this is a recipe for conflict, but the caffected couple takes advantage of every opportunity to see and spend time with each other. Even if it's just a quick lunch, or a memo in the hallway, interaction at work can enhance the passion at home. Plus, having your colleagues at work see the beauty and depth of your relationship always has a positive influence on someone else. Because of increasing job strain, elimination of career paths and various other factors many couples are seeking employment together. Maybe the nest is empty, you want to travel, or you just miss each other. Couples are creating parallel careers. You may never know just how powerful a message you're sending when you announce your caffection to the world. And you should; caffection is THE elite status for married people. Got Caffection?

Smooth Sailing

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We wish everyone could have the experience we had in Hawaii of belonging to an ocean paddling club. It's one thing to travel to Oahu as a tourist, pay big dollars for a short ride in an outrigger at Waikiki, and tell your friends about it later. It's quite another thing to belong to a club that meets once a week during the racing season, and participate in the Hawaiian State sport. One is fun, exotic, relaxing, and easy. The other, the club and its demands, is hard work, challenging, invigorating and satisfying long term. A Caffected relationship is like that. There are couples who visit their marriage, pay what it takes, have a casual attitude about it, and have fun while it lasts. Belonging to your marriage is so much more gratifying, because of the commitment, focus, working through challenges, and building a strong team. And the ultimate reward of all that paddling and concentration is that when a wave threatens to swamp your boat, you get a 'bump' instead. That can only lead to smooth sailing. Got Caffection?

Active Adults

CAFFECTION.COM
Here's a preview of what our website, caffection.com, will list. A getaway to the island of Kauai in the Spring of 2010 for active, (caffected) adults only. This trip will be limited to a few couples looking for a getaway that pampers, excites, energizes, and satisfies. No kids; no teens; no stress; no low-expectation hotel, dinner or travel offered. Just the exotic, luxurious, different experience you expect. Budget travelers need not apply. We have the insight and experience to offer this trip to those discerning adults, because Kauai was our home for 3 years. We know what's available, where, and at what time. We know the island, and we'll provide the very best, at the level of luxury those privileged to afford this adventure expect, and deserve. But don't wait for the site to go live; we're taking reservations now, with details forthcoming. If you've done Turks & Caicos, Dubai & Ajram, The Galapagos & Baja, and are looking for another memorable experience, have your agent or secretary check with us. Limited, and luxurious. As you deserve, and expect. Mark the date---Spring 2010 on Kauai.

Imagine Exotic Travels With Your Best Friend

CAFFECTION.COM
Traveling is fun, it's even better when you're with your best friend. We've been to every corner of the nation and many places in-between. Some of our greatest adventures were on the island of Kauai. The picture was taken before we got lost in the jungle (cool story, be sure to have us tell you about it sometime). The Na Pali Coast is a stunning place to hike and kayak. We'd love to show you some of the off-the-beaten track spots on Kauai such as Hamura's as well as the world famous Roy's. Plan to join us in the spring of 2010.

Spring 2010 Caffection Seminar

Want more out of your relationship... more romance, more fun, more energy and enjoyment? Travel with us to the Lush, exotic Hawaiian Garden Island of Kauai!

Exotic Extravaganza Exclusively for Married Best Friends
Learn Marriage Affirming Tools
Meet other Caffected Couples
A Romantic Getaway with Your Best Friend
Enrich Your Caffection With the MTMBF Team

Getaway

CAFFECTION.com

Even with gas prices as high as they are it's nice to fantasize about a luxury trip, a once in a lifetime journey to an exotic island, or land at the end of the world.  We lived that fantasy for almost three years, and we can attest that once you've had a getaway like ours there's no denying the urge to do it all over again.  Kauai is the westernmost of the habitable Hawaiian islands, the most remote group of islands in the world.  We would occasionally drive to Polihale beach on the western shore of the island and look west.  From where we stood the nearest land mass was Japan, three thousand miles away.  It was a getaway like no other.

Sometime in 2010 we will return to Kauai, and you should plan to accompany us.  We'll be offering a Caffection Seminar in the early Spring.  Exact location, date etc. TBA.  Keep checking the blog, and soon the Caffection Website, and we'll fill in the blanks on this once in a lifetime getaway to Hawaii's Garden Isle, the most beautiful place on earth.  Travel with us there and you'll have the privilege of touring this lush, remote island with your best friend, and with us, two people who love the island, and know all about it--places to see, rich cuisine, local attractions, shortcuts only a native knows, and much more.  Get away with us in 2010 to Kauai.

  

Romantic Travel Destinations For Married Best Friends

CAFFECTION.com

The Eiffel Tower, according to Wikipedia, is one of the most recognized structures in the world and has had more than 200 million visitors since its construction in 1889. So popular is this massive icon, that you only need to type eiffel tower into the search bar of Google to find "about 7,820,000 results" in a mere 0.09 seconds (we love Google, we could do a blog on the perks of google---maybe we will!)

Since our planned Sept 2001 trip to Paris was cancelled, the Eiffel Tower remains solidly at the top of our romantic vacation wish list. We'd love to hear your recommendations, as well as your fun Paris stories. mariah@caffection.com or byron@caffection.com

Vacation Days

CAFFECTION.com

How can July be gone already?  Just when it feels like it should only be, say, April, or maybe June, the 4th has come and gone, the back-to-school sales have started, and days are noticeably shorter.  August 1st, and then Fall, and then...  But it's only a little depressing if we're standing still.  At our house we're not; we're about to go live with the website, and hoping we're ready, and pretty sure we're not, and going to launch anyway.  Unlike Humpty-Dumpty's, this will be a great Fall.

Couldn't resist.  Thanks for all those who took the quiz.  There will be others, and we'll post results soon.  By the way, for our readers, we're always looking for great stories, heartrending sagas, happy events, and of course tales of caffection.  Send them via the blog, or to our e-mail, byron@caffection.com, or mariah@caffection.com.  We'll be thrilled to hear from you.  Hope your vacation was stupendous.

Today in History: Christopher Columbus landed on the island of Trinidad  1498.

Famous birthday: Charlie Chaplin's granddaughter, Actress Geraldine Chaplin  1944.

Sexy Mate Affirmation

CAFFECTION.com

Though 'internet' has yet to be selected in the survey to the left, we know many couples surf the net together. We enjoy watching fun video clips others recommend to us, researching new ideas, and looking up information about great travel destinations. When the Caffection website goes live, you'll have the opportunity to receive a weekly affirmation. Recently we've asked some friends to carry around affirmation pocket cards that read: "I love being married to ________, my sexy mate!" They're instructed to touch the card at least 3 times a day & silently repeat the affirmation, as well as send a blessing to their mate. The idea is to see if affirmations work as well for other couples as they do for us. The answer is...yes! It's pretty cool to think of your (sexy) mate in the middle of the day, and get to climb into bed with them at the end of your day, even if it's just to cuddle. When you're caffected, and you're both too tired too make love, your relationship allows you to snuggle as you drift off to sleep. This is one of the many reasons being married to your best friend is the most romantic thing in the world.

Today in History: President Lyndon Johnson signed the Medicare bill into law 1965.

Famous birthday: Legendary baseball player/manager Casey Stengel 1890.

Travel the World with your Best Friend

CAFFECTION.com

An exciting component we're quickly identifying; Caffection is a global phenomenon.  Imagine how much fun you'll have road-tripping to visit another Caffected couple you've met at a Caffection Event. We've heard from people all over the world, happily married coupling is rampant.  People who are Caffected want ideas from other couples on how to create an even stronger bond.  We'll start sharing some of those ideas here on the blog, with many more to come when the Caffection: Married To My Best Friend Website goes live.  Keep sending your ideas to share with us at mariah@caffection.com or byron@caffection.com 

Sexy

CAFFECTION.com

A caffected marriage is as sexy as you-know-where. Two people passionately in love with each other, devoted, committed, caffected, is the sexiest image in art, literature, song or reality. Sexy, caffected love has defined civilizations, changed cultures, produced masterpieces, and launched a thousand ships. And the center staple of all that passion has been sex, and the intimacy that goes hand in glove (so to speak) with it.

Since mankind made the connection between sex and babies it's been humanity's driving ambition to separate the two so the one could be more thoroughly enjoyed. Not that we don't enjoy babies, God love 'em, but we need our own grownup version of suckling, cooing and crying in the night, too. Indeed, an argument can be made that the Creator made sex beneficial to our psyche and comfort so we'd put our minds to finding a way to enjoy it without its reproductive baggage. Sex is powerful comfort in a relationship. More so in a caffected marriage where each member has the others' complete and utter benefit in mind. Sex is simply the cement that bonds us like nothing else. And it's fun, too!

Today in History: Tennessee 1st Confederate State readmitted to the Union 1866.

Famous birthday: Amelia Earhart (Putnam) born in Atchison Kansas 1897.

Staycations

"Staycation" is the new word on the street. If you're staying close to home while on vacation this year,