Showing posts with label positive focus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label positive focus. Show all posts

Monday, November 9, 2009

Happy Marriages



Happy marriages are innovative, fresh, surprising. They create, by their very nature, the ongoing happy challenge of 'getting there first' in the marriage with a heretofore unexperienced gift, acknowledgement, or titillation. It's the hidden note card in a spouse's luggage, a flower delivery at the office for no reason, the preparation of a favorite meal when they least expect it. Happy marriage is the tender greeting, with words that penetrate a spouse's soul because of their delivery, and the depth of their feeling. Happy marriage is attention through focused listening, the almost lost art of truly hearing what the spouse is saying--or not saying. Happy marriage is the ability to anticipate what a spouse will do, say, want, need and ask for next, and the ability to provide it. Happy marriage is...happy, because it's a recognition that a spouse is happy, and, maturity being required, it's knowing we're only part of the union. Happy marriage is its own reward, and our ability to change that keeps it fresh. Read more...

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Marriage Pavlov, Reinforce the Good


Being a happy couple is part of life, when you choose it. We choose a positive outlook on life every single day and with that comes the choice to be married to our best friend. We say it over and over, both in actions and in words. "I love you." "Thank you for being mine." "Thank you for being so good to me." "I love being with you." The list goes on and on. We understand the value of focusing on the good things, and we know what we focus on expands.
An amazing thing occurred once we began the ritual of "catching" each other enriching our caffection, we started complimenting each other often. This had a snowball effect, the more we gave, the more we received. The marriage Pavlov on steroids, positive enforcement of a wonderful thing: Caffection! Try it. You'll be surprised how quickly being positive becomes the rule, not the exception. You'll enjoy a new dynamic in your relationship
just by paying each other compliments.
Soon you'll have a positive outlook on life and you'll be so proud of it!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Tin Anniversary



Ten years together. One-hundred-twenty months of wedded bliss. Seems like yesterday you tied the knot, said "I Do", then headed off to your honeymoon in the Catskills, or Niagara Falls, or maybe the Grand Canyon and Vegas. Ten years later, and you're wondering where did the time go? Traditionally, the tenth is celebrated as the 'tin' anniversary. The reason for this could be something exotic, such as the acknowledgment that tin is more durable than paper, used for the first year of marriage. Or it could be recognition that by ten years a couple's golden years are still a long way off. It could even be something as simple as the obvious connection between the words ten and tin. Who knows? The reality is, that in our culture, people recognize ten years with something crafted from tin. So what are some ideas for this? What tin items can be had, or created to salute ten years together? Here are tin (10) ideas to consider:
...6 Tin popcorn bowl. Remember that tin popcorn server you had when you were a kid? Go to E-Bay and look for one. I'm betting your spouse had one of those, too. He or she would love to fill it with buttery, fresh popcorn then sit in front of the TV and share ten years together with you. Recommendation for a movie? Try 'Ghost'. Just don't expect to make it through the pottery-wheel scene. Put the kids to bed first.
Read the complete article.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Make love, not laps. Sex benefits our health



The new swine flu, flesh eating bacteria, e-coli at the salad bar, where will it end? Just when you thought science dredged up only bad news comes this from across the Atlantic. Finally, there’s proof that sex, and it seems that it’s happy, satisfying, monogamous sex we’re referring to, actually helps us live longer. In an age of anxiety over health care plans, HMOs, managed care, overpriced insurance and uncertainty out of Washington, it turns out that regular bedroom intimacy with a loving, faithful partner is as salutary as we’d suspected all along.
Yes, there will be the naysayers, and those who claim that it’s just those randy Brits at it again with their prurient diversions, this time from a laboratory, funded no doubt with cash from their socialized medicine coffers. And there will be those who claim, not without justification, that the study was a waste of such funds, since a celibate life isn’t worth living, much less extending anyway. But for the real proof, here it is.
A recent study at Queens University in Belfast Northern Ireland* showed that frequent, satisfying sex has a remarkable affect on overall life satisfaction. No surprise there. As I said, we’ve long suspected as much. But the extensive study also demonstrated that regular sex has a proven affect on overall health and longevity in males. The mortality of about 1,000 middle-aged men was followed over the course of a decade. After a 10 year period, the British Medical Journal Lancet revealed that the men who reported the highest frequency of orgasm enjoyed a death rate 50 percent lower than the others.
It gets better. This and other studies have shown that having sex a few times a week has a direct link to reduced risk of heart disease: In a 2001 follow-up to the Queens University study, researchers looked at cardiovascular health. They found that men who have sex three or more times a week lowered their risk of heart attack and stroke by 50 percent. (!)
There were remarkable other findings as well, none of which are terribly surprising either, it’s just that they’ve rarely been demonstrated in a scientific journal. Here’s an example. From enjoying regular intimate contact with their mates, weight loss was noticeable in men over fifty. It makes sense; particularly after a certain young age, sex is a lot like exercise, not to say work, at times. A vigorous session in bed is about the same as running for 15 minutes or playing a game of tennis. They don’t call a tie score in tennis love for no reason, after all. During sex, your pulse rate rises from about 70 beats per minute to 150, similar to what you'd get from a vigorous workout at the gym. It may be the perfect aerobic exercise. Make love, not laps.
But wait, it gets even better. Sex as pain relief? Here’s another fascinating outcome of the study. Just before climax, our level of a hormone called oxytocin surges to five times its normal level. Five times! This flood of hormonal anesthesia releases endorphins, which alleviate the pain of everything from headaches to arthritis - even migraines. In women, orgasm stimulates the production of estrogen, which can reduce the pain of PMS. “Not tonight, dear, my headache is gone”.

As far as the long-term partner aspect of the study, there was really no mention of the gender of the so called ‘control group’, the other half of the participants. Indeed, the study focused solely on male health and longevity. Let’s hope a similar experiment arrives soon, based on the female model, and what the affects of a robust sexual experience has on them. If the Queens study is any indication, the results will be similar. One potential outcome may be, that women who enjoy a lot of intimate activity just happen to be married to a person who just happens to enjoy as much intimacy as she does, and just happens to want her to stick around for as long as possible. And that would come as no surprise either. We don’t really need to spend a lot of research money that could be put to better use. We could spend those dollars, or pounds sterling, developing vaccines for swine flu, eradicating this flesh eating menace, or buying sneeze shields for the salad bar.

*Department of Epidemiology and Public Health, Queen's University of Belfast, Belfast BT12 6BJ

Monday, August 17, 2009

48 hours


www.caffection.com

Mariah and I have what we refer to as the ’48 hour rule’. Just as the name implies, for any substantial decision, house repair, kid crisis, vehicle issue, expenditure over about 50 dollars, we refer to the 48 hour--let’s-put-this-aside rule, and almost invariably our decision about whatever has arisen is better than an instant, gut-reaction one might have been. Some of the time the decision is identical; sometimes they’re very different, even polar opposite; sometimes, and this is perhaps the larger point, there’s no decision to make because the event, crisis or issue has simply dissipated or resolved itself. And invariably we’re glad we invoked this rule, and remain comfortable with the outcome.

Recently our daughter, newly married, announced that, for reasons irrelevant here, she and her new hubby were through, done, history. She was moving out, finished, didn’t want to talk about it. The way it was presented was, of course, a pretty transparent attempt to get a rise from us, and enlist our help against the scoundrel who do such a dastardly deed. Her vocabulary, volume and sense of indignity were palpable on the phone, reminiscent of some hyperbolic Hollywood vixen scorned and demeaned, bent on the most painful and irreversible mayhem on the lad, my new son-in-law.
The 48 hour rule? Instantly and absolutely. It worked very well when we decided on the spur of the moment to book our vacation to Paris instead of Key West. (The keys are magical). It worked ever so well when another daughter announced she would quit college over a “useless, asinine stats course I have to take and I’ll never use!” The graduation was delightful. It worked even when we decided to go ahead with the purchase of the Honda wagon, even with its 93,000 miles. At 130,000 it’s barely broken in.
The scrapping newlyweds? Love birds once again. How long did the little dustup last? You guessed it, about 48 hours.

It’s a useful tool to cool things off, allow, as doctors say, the tincture of time to do its magic, and to deal with what we have even today, too much information that makes us react too quickly, forcing decisions we likely would have made differently. The 48 hour rule: try it. But wait a couple of days.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Change happens



caffection.com

Change happens.

EVERYDAY.

To everyone.

It's been said that everyone is going into a crisis, in a crisis or just coming out of a crisis. Think about where you are presently. Could it be that you're actually in a better place, and that perhaps the reason for this because of that previous event, whatever it was? Each day we all have a choice. We get to choose how we react to life. Though we aren't always able to smile, be positive, or stay calm, when you're in a great relationship, we're better able to lean on each other for the support we need to get through the tough times.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Stay Positive


www.caffection.com

Many people live in a zero sum world. It's too bad, really, considering the abundance all around us. But many persist in seeing the world as an I win you lose kind of place. It's difficult to find a balance sometimes, especially when you're a couple of dreamers like us, to remember that there are people out there who take every advantage. But we choose to believe they're in the minority, and that most people at least have the initial impulse to be generous, and open to new things. I guess we live in what might be called a sum-plus world, where there's room, and advantage, and enough for everyone. Radical idea, but it works for us. We look at some of our family and friends and we see people who live in fear and anxiety that their lives are in constant danger of disruption and loss. And guess what? Each and every one of them are...in constant danger of disruption and loss! Coincidence? We don't think so. Here's what we believe. The fuzzy old adage that the more you give the more you get...is true!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

New Tradition


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History has shown us the way forward in every struggle. Not long ago in this country slavery was a 'tradition', property ownership exclusively by men was a 'tradition', child labor was a 'tradition', miscegenation laws were a 'tradition'. So when people fall back on tradition to continue supporting certain social injustices, it's time to take a closer look and move past the shackles of 'tradition'. What gets in our way is usually fear; fear of change, fear of social disapproval; fear of the unknown. Making solid, vibrant, healthy, CAFFECTED relationships the new tradition is one of our visions. Allow others to watch you interact in positive affirming ways. Compliment one antoher, hold hands, smile, 'make eyes' at each other. Enjoy! Caffection is fun.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Late Snow?










caffection.com

We made a roadtrip to Cleveland April 7th. This beautiful home had its large yard graced by a late season snow. It didn't seem to mind the inconvenience of coolness, only taking in the fresh moisture upon its new spring green. Relationships are like that too. We get to choose how we respond to all situations in life.


Sunday, June 14, 2009

Summer Outtings




Caffection.com

Today we were asked & attended a picnic. We enjoyed the company of some new friends who understand life is all about being who you really are. Knowing that you're here to support one another and make the campsite a little nicer when you leave.
When we accept that judging others isn't something we're required to do, it frees up a lot of time. Time to create new rituals in your own relationship, time to focus on fun and each other, time to meet new people and create life long friendships. Summer fun! Enjoy.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Financial Challenges in Tough Times

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Many people are facing financial challenges at this time. The brutal winds which have shuttered numerous corporations and small businesses affect all of us. Being down-sized, having benefits cut or losing a home or business can stress any relationship, no matter how strong. Caffected couples aren't immune.
We're facing a significant unexpected expense that has caused some sleepless nights and juggling of numbers. It's also caused us to prioritize and cut back on non-necessities. Since we know others are facing such uncertainty, we've decided to share tips we've heard from Caffected couples across the nation on ways to hunker down, fight the financial storm and bond together.

* Be as transparent as possible, bad news usually doesn't get better by hiding it
*Go to each other, not outsiders, with concerns
*Acknowledge your successes, sandwich your discussions Good/bad/Good
*Remember you ARE on the same side, if tension mounts...take a break
*ACK (always choose kind), see above
*Focus on options, if you're sinking financially, consider professional guidance
*Pamper each other to relieve stress, a bath with candles & music or a massage (with no sexual strings attached) will go a very long way in saying, "I Love You"
*Listen & ask for clarification if you don't understand, being heard is important
*Be compassionate, lean on each other for strength
*Hold hands
*Take a walk
*Touch each other
*Write a note telling your lover what you appreciate about them
*Share a mutual dream..."When we get through this tough time, we'll go to Paris!"

It's what we do with and to each other during the storm that will determine our outcome on the other side of it. Love fully, smile as often as you can, know your love can and will endure this difficult time. Most of all be proud of the wonderful relationship the two of you have created. We're glad you're Caffected and we're proud of you!

Monday, June 8, 2009

Choose Your Life


We have a calling to train couples to celebrate their solid relationships with affirmations and rituals. It's very exciting to know you can choose your attitude and your life! How wonderful to be in a forever relationship with the one you love the most.
An important part of a caffected relationship is making time for each other, not just the leftover pieces of your day. 'Quality time' is a cliche, but there's a particle of truth to it. Love requires positive energy management to not only sustain itself, but to grow and prosper.
Creating rituals helps you focus your time and energy on your mate, your best friend! Making time for your best friend lets them know just how important they are to you.
Imagine being able to be with the one special person who knows your secrets, knows your foibles, fears, aspirations. The one you'd want sharing your space, your kitchen, your car, your bed, your living and dining room, your romantic interludes, your life? If you're nodding your head right now, you are caffected. We applaud your commitment!
Be sure to use this recipe to keep your love fresh & vibrant: Combine fun, nurturing, patience, understanding, appreciation, support, respect. Knead well. Rich rewards are in store. Enjoy.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Memorial Day


www.caffection.com

This memorial day weekend, let's all take a few minutes and think about what the day means to us here in America, and indeed what it means to be an American. Memorial Day was set aside originally to honor fallen troops of the American Civil War. Prior to that, wars had been fought for land, for women, for money, for the simple projection of power. Our Civil War was the first war in history fought for an idea. That idea, our 'National Creed', that, 'all men are created equal', is such a simple, powerful message that its implication has generated numerous additional, albeit less bloody and destructive civil wars continuing to the present day.
So here's what it means to us to be an American: it means recognizing that the single most powerful word in our National Creed is this--ALL. Until everyone is able to embrace that word, to understand that ALL means what it says, our civil wars will go on toward that more perfect union we aspire to be. So let's also memorialize those--Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, Harvey Milk, Margaret Sanger, and all others who devoted their lives to that single, powerful word--ALL. And enjoy your holiday.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Caffected Wealth



Being in a caffected relationship you have a lot of trust in your mate. There are many kinds of wealth, which is why we commonly acknowledge: Wealth is Freedom. If you're scratching your head, wondering what are they talking about, let us elaborate a bit. A strong relationship can bring rich rewards, emotional, physical and yes, monetary. When you create a trusting bond you're able to discuss important issues and concerns more openly, without fear of retaliation or scrutiny. When you can agree on how to manage your finances together you're building a foundation of trust. Due to recent economic trends, retail therapy is becoming exposed for what it is, a substitute for genuine happiness in a relationship. It's more obvious than ever that a Caffected bond doesn't just promise wealth, it actually delivers it.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Theories



www.caffection.com
This is an excerpt from our upcoming book, Appreciative Loving--a New Angle On An Old Idea, coming soon.

'Seeming nonsense as naming clouds can bond us in ways we haven't known since childhood. It’s all about trust. In a truly gratifying marriage we have the ability and even the impulse to act childlike, and there’s not a thing wrong with that. The chance to go back to the sandbox is very attractive at times. Appreciative Loving gives us permission to do that, and to rediscover the ease and simplicity of a time long ago when adult concerns weren’t such a burden.
The ability to let go of such burdens isn’t just one of many ways to create a more harmonious atmosphere in our marriage and family life, either. It can actually extend our lives, giving us more enjoyable years with our mates. Psychologists are discovering that a long-assumed theory is likely true, that happy married people live longer, and enjoy life more every day. Theorists such as Martin Seligman in Illinois, and George Vaillant at Harvard have created a sea change in the study and treatment of mental health by focusing on the various ways we humans find to be happy, instead of concentrating treatment options on our seeming drift into unhappiness and mental dis-ease. The latter, of course, is the hallmark of the mental health profession: how to ‘cure’ a patient’s misery and mental discomfort. This concentration on the negative, the dark side of human psychology has long been what distinguished the profession, partly because diagnoses were fundable, where studies of happy patients, inextricably, are not.'
Look for Appreciative Loving soon. We'll keep you posted.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Peace, ALL Will Be Well




acceptance
hope
inclusion
joy
kindness
love

M
A
R
R

I
A
G
E


caffection.com
What's in a word? The word peace means different things to different people. It's spoken in every language; Paix, Peace, Fred, Maluhia, Heiwa, Frieden, Paz, Shalom. Its description may vary from one land to the next, certainly those of us living in the US have an entirely different perception of peace than those living in the Middle East. For us, living peacefully is a must, you've read the expression ACK (always choose kind) frequently in our work. Many people we know relate to the peace/love teachings of leaders such as MLK (1929-1968), Gandhi (1869-1948), Christ (0-36), Buddha (563bc-483bc). They want what we want, to be accepted and included. It's a very simple concept. To Love and be Loved. Fully and Unconditionally. In a relationship recoginzed easily by the one word which defines it: MARRIAGE.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Wellness


www.caffection.com

Health & wellness are the most critical part of a happy, gratifying life. From a few health challenges three years ago, we know that to be true. A health crisis tends to focus our attention on important things like nothing else. And nothing else helps us stay healthy and well, and to get healthy when we're ill like a great relationship. Among many other things too numerous to mention, marriage equality is important for this as well. It's no stretch to see happy couples, free of the uncertainty and stress of discrimination, as a factor in the current conversation about rising health care costs. President Obama has made reform in this area a key issue in his administration. For this and many reasons, marriage equality is an even higher priority than ever. Study after study confirm that happy couples are healthier, live longer happier lives, and are there to take care of each other in a loving, communal way. Everyone deserves this kind of certainty. Society needs to promote it as well, to protect all of us from the vagaries of ill health, and an already overburdened health care system.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Focus Group


caffection.com
To all our friends in the blogosphere, we need your help. We're able to be out and about in this exciting, somewhat turbulent time, getting all manner of opinions about the progressive issues facing this country: marriage equality; don't ask don't tell; gun control; immigration reform. And we need your opinion now more than ever. Why? One thing we feel passionate about, as you know, is marriage equality, because, quite frankly, our own marriage is such a gratifying, fulfilling part of who we are that we believe everyone needs to experience this in life, and celebrate it. If that sounds naive and/or maudlin, so be it; it's who we are. So what do we need from you? We're looking for a focus group, a segment of our readership willing to look over the caffection website, critique it for us, make suggestions, give us your opinion on how better we can offer the resources on it to people who want a great relationship. We want readers to make whatever comments and suggestions they want, anonymously if you like, and to be completely open and objective about it. In short, we really want to make caffection.com yours. We're more than happy to tend to it, and make it the resource it can be for these times. Will you help with this? Comment here, or go to the contact us page on the site and let us hear from you. Thanks, it means a lot. BE/ME

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Happy Anniversary


CAFFECTION.com

It was fun starting the blog on our anniversary last year, plus it makes it very easy to remember how long we've had it going. We've met so many supportive people during this past year and we're amazed by the controversy it has caused. We somehow intrinsically knew marriage was for everyone who wanted nothing more for their partner than to keep them warm, and safe and loved. Seems obvious to us, so we keep promoting a radical idea called marriage equality. At first we wrote about what was prominent in our lives. Over the last year our focus has shifted toward meeting people who share our values, and find Caffection to be the resource we intend.
To our blog readers: How are we doing? How can we help you? Where do we want to be, together, March 29 2010?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Wisdom


caffection.com

Wisdom is something acquired only through time.