Awake With Appreciation

Caffection.com

What wonderful thing, waking each morning with the person you love (and LIKE too).
Take a deep breathe in, touch their warmth and whisper words of gratitude to yourself. If your mate is in the drowsy awake period, they'll hear your comforting words. Knowing they feel the same increases your connection to your each other. Savor your fabulous relationship by remembering this moment later in the day, and smile.

Resources Abound

Caffection.com

Project: Noun. Mr Webster states this is a 'planned event', though some projects fall way outside the 'planned' concept. We're in the midst one of those 'projects' right now. We're changing web hosts for Caffection.com and have run into more than a few snags. Being true optimists, we didn't have far to look to find the good in the challenges. Here's three just for starters: 1) This has given us opportunity to implement ideas recommended by the many Caffection fans out there. 2) We've revisited some of the sites we list as resources and found they've also upgraded and improved their sites as well. Freedom to Marry has a dynamic page on legal marriage and HRC has a wedding registry for couples to share their excitement & joy. 3) As with any project, dusting & sprucing things up helps keep a site fresh and vibrant. Just like a good relationship, always finding new ways to show gratitude and affirmation. While we're pushing ahead, we appreciate your patience with some broken links and disheveled pages. The gain will be worth the pain.

Sawing logs: Snoring, your love life, and some options to sleeping alone.

caffection.com

Here’s a conversation my spouse and I have had several times in the past year or so:
“How did you sleep, dear?”
“Ah, um, well...”
“Damn--Did I do it again?”
“Uh, you know, it’s no big deal.”
“How many times did you try to wake me?”
“Two, maybe three. It’s no big deal, really.”
It is a big deal, though, when your mate has to nudge you ‘two or three’ times during the night, which likely means eight or ten times, when you were sawing logs and keeping them awake. Snoring has become the nighttime national epidemic, robbing our spouses of sleep, stealing quality sleep from us, and signaling at least potentially serious health problems such as sleep apnea. Plus, snoring can interfere with our marital bliss in the one place we most associate with that emotion, our bedrooms. Here are a few alternatives to this raucous, maddening development, and nocturnal marriage threat.

For those of us, myself included, who prefer to awaken with our mate beside us, hopefully well rested, here are a few things to try:

1 An oral appliance which is fit to you, and which must be checked periodically by a dentist. This hardware, like a mouthpiece you might have used in high school football, extends the tongue and soft palate to, hopefully, eliminate snoring.

2 Medical procedures such as a UPPP, Somnoplasty, CPAP.

3 A simple yet effective treatment, and one to try first, may be the old fashioned method of losing weight.
Cut down or eliminate alcohol consumption, especially within four hours of bedtime. The same goes for sedatives, oddly enough. Easy on the sleeping pills; they may be having the opposite effect.
Pillows: if you tend to roll onto your back, prop one on either side, so you stay lying on your side.
Have an allergy, cold, nasal interruption for any reason? That can easily make you snore, even if you never did. Address the symptoms, and get some sleep.

Snoring needn’t come between you and a good night’s sleep. It needn’t become an issue between you and your mate, either. Simply ignoring the snoring monster is a no brainer: don’t do it. Often, just actively seeking a cure for snoring is enough to elicit your mate’s gratitude and help. And if the snoring persists, or gets worse, it might be time to seek medical advice. It could be obstructive sleep apnea, a potentially serious health risk.
If your morning conversation is filled with dread about your nocturnal lumbering activity, your raucous imitation of a sawmill at full tilt, and you repeatedly awake to find your mate gone, off to another, more peaceful part of the house, try the tips above, and sweet dreams.

Rituals in Marriage: Couple Glue for the two of you.

www.caffection.com

“At the core, what rituals do is, they give you a sense of history, predictability, playfulness or something to look forward to.”
Dr. Carol Bruess, author of What Happy Couples Do.

Everyone has rituals whether they realize it or not. Married couples have a lot of rituals, and they act as a kind of glue that holds the union intact, even in good times. Maybe especially in good times. The word ritual in fact, has the same root as the word rite, which is the act that makes us married people in the first place. From Latin ‘ritus’ via middle English for descriptions of ceremonies, the word has a long history with communities and couples. It also gave us the word arithmetic, originally meaning to count, or pronounce noteworthy. From the Encyclopedia Brittanica “Ritual is a specific, observable mode of behavior exhibited by all known societies. It is thus possible to view ritual as a way of defining or describing humans.”
All known societies. That means all of us. In marriage, though, the rituals of our daily interaction describe not just the initiation or onset of a new status or identification, but an ongoing behavior that almost identifies us to each other. Think of the Newlywed Game TV show many years ago. Those young, or not so young, couples were asked to identify behaviors of their mates. Then the recently off-stage mate was asked to identify with those behaviors. It was interesting to note how many times couples got it wrong, meaning that one or the other didn’t recognize a ritual as such. Over time, those people will see more clearly the ways those behaviors impact their mate and the relationship.

Rituals run the gamut from heartwarming to irritating, and everything in between. Some define roles in the relationship: he takes out the trash; she irons clothes, or the other way around. In some marriages he decides on vehicle matters; she defines the house and its contents. He might organize the vacation, while she sets up child care and the kennel.
But the rituals that truly matter in a relationship are the fun, romantic, bonding behaviors that are like the DNA of the marriage. Call it couple glue. Here’s a list of wonderful rituals gathered over many years. They’re loving, fun, even fascinating snippets of creative outreach between people fortunate enough to be deeply in love with their mates, regardless of the number of years together. And the exhilarating part is, they’re available for use by everyone.

Love notes--the old standby. Leave them everywhere, and at random. They don’t have to be extensive. In fact, shorter is better. Forget Twitter--write something.

A single flower goes a long way.

Be on the lookout for casual announcements from your mate such as “I’d sure like to...” Make that happen, and you’re the most romantic spouse on earth.

After ‘hello’, say something uplifting and complimentary. “Have I told you lately that I adore you?” is far better than “Did you remember to cancel the paper?” Make it a ritual.
Whisper. It’s incredibly romantic, and it drives the kids nuts. Great ritual.

Home from work, just snuggle in complete silence for long minutes.

Anticipate chores they hate, and do them ahead of time. This is love in action.

Nicnames may sound silly, but they identify you. ‘Goofball, Fred, Betty, snuggle-butt, sexpot, honey-bear, there are a thousand of them, a million maybe.

Remember their parents’ anniversaries/birthdays/death dates/red letter days.

Two words: Chocolate and Port.

Call them out of the blue.

Carve your initials in a tree. Yes, inside a heart.

Guys--open her car door for her. Old fashioned? Sure, that’s the point.

Women--talk him up. Men simply love it when wives brag, especially if it’s true.

Never share a mate’s deficiencies with anyone.

Guys--listen.

Women--tell your mate what you want.

Guys--no teasing, about anything.

Women--no criticizing, just pose ‘opportunities to improve’.


Select a keyword. Use it for ‘rescue me’, or ‘I need you to listen’, or ‘I’d rather not invite the Johnsons to dinner because they snipe at each other’. Keywords are handy. My wife and I use ‘fascinating’, as in, ‘The Johnsons are fascinating people, dear’. Guess who doesn’t get invited? Another, somewhat more exciting keyword can signal a desire for sex. The secret there is that every couple has one of these already whether they acknowledge it or not.

Maybe the best ritual of all is to simply show gratitude for everything your mate does. Marriage isn’t all sweetness and light, after all. It involves the interaction of two people who will have two different styles in everything from money to sex to clutter, to child-rearing. The best way to steer clear of petty clashes and irritation about those stylistic differences is to find something positive about the issue at hand, and be grateful for the way your mate handles it. Gratitude goes a long way to soothing upsets. It’s a good ritual to acquire in any marriage.

Rituals are such a critical part of relationships it’s good to identify the ones that define ours. Everyone has them; everyone needs them. It may even be more important to identify those which cause us irritation and discomfort over time--the way dirty clothes are left around, closets in disarray, those after dinner retreats to the den, leaving dirty dishes. Those are rituals, too. They may hold us together in ways we didn’t anticipate, minor irritations that we mention to friends in negative ways. In that regard we ought to turn them around, insert positives in their place, and reap the reward of their impact on the relationship. Couple glue should be warm and bonding. Great rituals can help make that happen.

Abundance

caffection.com


Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into.
Wayne Dyer

Be Mine

caffection.com

Isn't Caffection cool? Cuddle just because you can, praise each other often, surprise them by doing 'their' chores for them occasionally. It's fun to know you're in a great relationship, enjoy it.

Choose Your Life

CAFFECTION.com

We have a calling to train couples to celebrate their solid relationships with affirmations and rituals. It's very exciting to know you can choose your attitude and your life! How wonderful to be in a forever relationship with the one you love the most.
An important part of a caffected relationship is making time for each other, not just the leftover pieces of your day. 'Quality time' is a cliche, but there's a particle of truth to it. Love requires positive energy management to not only sustain itself, but to grow and prosper.
Creating rituals helps you focus your time and energy on your mate, your best friend! Making time for your best friend lets them know just how important they are to you.
Imagine being able to be with the one special person who knows your secrets, knows your foibles, fears, aspirations. The one you'd want sharing your space, your kitchen, your car, your bed, your living and dining room, your romantic interludes, your life? If you're nodding your head right now, you are caffected. We applaud your commitment!
Be sure to use this recipe to keep your love fresh & vibrant: Combine fun, nurturing, patience, understanding, appreciation, support, respect. Knead well. Rich rewards are in store. Enjoy.

Choices

caffection.com

We make choices every day--what time to get up, whether we are getting up, what to wear, what to say to the nimrod in the elevator who says "great weather, huh?" Life is about choices. We've been taken to task a number of times for this, but we really believe it's simple physics: if we choose negative, cynical, spiteful and angry, that's exactly what we'll get back. If you're expecting a bag of crap, there's no way short of a miracle you'll get butter pecan ice cream. Ain't gonna happen. And it is a Choice. What's this got to do with relationships? Plenty. If we expect to be treated fairly, gently, with respect, we will reasonably hope to get that back. If we expect abuse, disregard, sarcasm etc. there's no way short of a miracle we'll get... You get the idea. The reason this comes up today is that certain family members have once again proven that their default mode is negative, fearful, cynical. It's too bad. We want to tell them that those aren't killer alien mutants under the bed; they're only dust bunnies, so go back to sleep for Pete's sake. Oh, and great weather, huh?

Married to Your Best Friend, Show Your Appreciation

CAFFECTION.com

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest
appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. JFK

Though these words from JFK ring true for everyone, stylistic differences, brought out by living together day in & day out, can cause tensions. It's amazing how a few words of appreciation create a more peaceful union. If you find yourself irritated about the way your mate folds the laundry or the way the TP roll is hung, try this; write them a note of thanks for doing it. This will help you remember someone else is doing the task (even if it's folded differently, it's done!) and it serves as a reminder that you get to choose your attitude. Isn't it cool to have a positive relationship? Everyone should have a love like yours.

Living the vision

CAFFECTION.com

We're people who choose to be positive. Make no mistake, it is a choice, as is choosing to be kind. Today we had the opportunity to be both. A friend wrote to let us know our names appeared on a list against civil rights. What a shock to see us listed as INequality supporters.
Our response:
1) Disbelief
2) Amazement
3) Gratitude
We certainly hope we're not inaccurately listed elsewhere. If you find our names listed as supporters of inequality, please let us know straight away.
We're amazed that someone would go to the effort of putting our names on this list. We're grateful to Heather for finding it and calling our attention to it.
And now for the kind part.
Wayne Dyer teaches, when you have a choice of being right or being kind, Always Choose Kind. We commonly refer to this as ACK. We've been known to look at each other and say "ACK" when we know the other is ready to launch a negative response. This is our trigger to stop & choose kindness, to find the positive in a potentially negative situation.
The vision we have is crystal clear: Caffection, everyone should be married to their best friend. It's a vision of compassion, kindness, love, understanding and EQUALITY.

Kids

Caffection.com

Here's another benefit to being caffected.  Your kids see how you interact with each other, and they want that, too.  There's likely no better way to boost a person's self-esteem than to reinforce to them how beautiful, how precious they are to you.  Caffected couples say it often, leaving no ambiguity.  We say it to each other--"I love you", or "I'm glad you're mine."  And here's the thing--we mean it.  When our kids see that open tenderness and affection they naturally want the same for themselves, and more and more they decide they won't settle for less.  According to the book Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work, by John Gottman, MD, and webmd, there's no reason to pick at each other for insignificant things like toilet paper rolls, toothpaste tubes and the like.  There's too much tension, bitterness and strife in many relationships.  Kids see that, too, and instead of judging it wrong or odd, somehow, they often assume it's normal behavior.  We should never be afraid to announce our feelings of gratitude and affection for our mate.  Married best friends have a responsibility to expose that side of themselves, and allow their status to flourish.   

Rainbows in our Midst

CAFFECTION.COM

Dad died two years ago today. Doesn't seem possible, but there it is. The picture above was taken 2 years ago tomorrow morning. The story is simple, and a bit saccharine, perhaps, but it still makes us tear up and smile at the revelation. We'd not seen a rainbow since leaving Kauai in the Spring. On the island, rainbows are a daily occurrence. They're so common that perhaps we took them for granted. We hope that's not the case, but sometimes we have beauty in our midst and look right through it, until someone points it out to us.

All summer, as dad battled with cancer, improved, had a setback, bounced back again, then seemed to stabilize, we went about our routine of caring for him, being there, attending his needs the best we could. But no rainbows. The usual amount of rain, but nothing resembling a rainbow.

September 30th 2006, dad had really been struggling, too weak even to leave his bed. Every breath was ragged, laborious. Finally, at three in the afternoon, he resigned himself to death, and was gone. We bade him goodbye, made necessary phone calls, and prepared a burial per dad's instructions.

The next morning we woke to a mottled sky, with a cloud bank in the west, a shimmer of glistening rainfall, and a glorious double rainbow. Our first since Hawaii. It could not have come at a better time. Beauty is all around us. Let's resolve to take a deep breath every now and then, stop our busyness, silence our frantic minds, and look for the rainbow that's surely there.

Things That Matter

CAFFECTION.com

Weekly book review day, and today we have a very important edition that, caffected or not, couples, singles, anyone interested in anyone else should read.  The Four Things That Matter Most, by Ira Byock M.D. is an excellent read no matter what, but if what matters to you and those around you is important, then this book is, too.  Here are the four things: Please forgive me; I forgive you; Thank you; I love you.  Think about it, is there anything else important we need to know about getting along with other people, and showing them we care, we share, we hear and we love?  No, there isn't, and we would all do well to remember those four simple phrases as we go through our day.  Acknowledge our humanity; recognize shared frailty; exercise simple gratitude, and say how you really feel about whoever it is you encounter.  This is not easy sometimes, as first impulses often reveal a side of ourselves we'd rather not see. But these four fragments can assist us in rising above the petty, self-righteous reactions we sometimes dredge up.  It's a great read, and we recommend it.  

The Four Things That Matter Most ©2004 Ira Byock  Free Press   http://www.thefourthings.org/excerpt.htm

What we do

CAFFECTION.com

It has come to our attention that our mission, our BIG WHY is somewhat ambiguous, that our goal is undefined.  Since everyone has a big WHY, whether they realize it or not, a life story that propels them forward forcing them out of bed each morning, we'll attempt to clarify ours. It's somewhat easier when the BIG WHY is shared between two people who are crazy about each other, which brings us to the first point.

And here it is: we believe in marriage.  As it says in our attached statement, we believe that those who choose to be married should be married to their best friend.  There's no more gentle, fulfilling life than to share a marriage with the one person you love so deeply you cannot imagine being without them.  Our mission is this simple: Marriage is good; everyone should be married to their best friend.  

We are not pro-gay, pro-straight, pro-Irish, or pro-bono.  We are pro-marriage, passionately, and period.  But to clarify further, for this very reason we believe that to deny this blissful state to those who happen to be of the same gender is not only misguided and discriminatory, it is un-Christian, and simply wrong.  Further, we believe it is, at all events, none of our business what two people in love with each other decide between themselves.  This is not a religious, moral, or ethical case; this is a legal case, in a country whose very foundation is cemented in law, not religion.  This separation is what sets us apart from theocratic countries like Saudi Arabia, Iran, and Iraq.  

So our BIG WHY is to celebrate marriage.  Period.  Whoever is married to their best friend has our congratulations, and our gratitude for accentuating the elite status of a stable, happy 'caffected' marriage.   

Appreciative Living Book Review

CAFFECTION.com

This week's book review is a critique of a personal power enhancement publication titled Appreciative Living© by Jacqueline Bascobert Kelm. The book's primary purpose is to take us beyond the necessity of gratitude in everyday life for what we have, into the still modestly explored realm, first studied at Case Western Reserve University in 1980, of Appreciative Inquiry. In the authors' words, "AI is about the co-evolutionary search for the best in people, their organizations, and the relevant world around them". In layman's terms, this means the envisioning of the best of what we want, steering clear of any thought or intimation for what we don't. In other words, think more about what we want than what we dread, empowering the positive in the process.

This has a direct application in caffected relationships. In psychology, the phrase 'unconditional positive regard' is used to denote a devotion one feels toward another, such as a mother for a child. Caffected couples have this as well, and AI allows further affirmation of that.

Grateful

CAFFECTION.com

Gratitude is just one of the byproducts of caffection. When you're married to your best friend, the freedom that status provides allows you to see and hear and feel what's truly important in life, and to take time to be grateful for it. Mother Teresa once said that if the only prayer you ever say is 'Thank you', that would be sufficient.
So today we're grateful, saying thank you for a number of things: beautiful weather, plenty of food, good health, great new opportunities, the love we share, wonderful friends and simple pleasures like good wine, stimulating conversation, and fine music.
Speaking of which, we're particularly grateful today for Mr. Tim Janis and his ensemble. Not only do Tim and his group of accomplished musicians provide melodies that are haunting in their beauty, Mr. Janis has been generous in allowing us to use his composition 'Lighthouse Point' on our website. Thanks, Tim, and here's hoping people who appreciate fine music discover your stuff again and again, and then pass it on to other caffected couples.

Progress

CAFFECTION.com

Sloooooowly, the website is coming together. If it isn't right, we'll make it that way, spending the time now rather than later. Don't push the river, it flows all by itself. Thus far we have a good idea what the landing page needs to do and a color scheme for it: the top ten list, the caffection store, e-mail, this blog, about us, and a good contact page for clients and their referrals.

The Flash intro will (hopefully) be accompanied by an Ann Reed melody, possibly written just for MTMBF. The interesting part of all this is seeing things come together just as we anticipated they would. Strange things happen to us.

Stay tuned. The river flows on.